I'll start out slow so you can see my each level of my insanity as i progress. i am only selecting the few and strong to read this. Bear with me and if you delete me after reading this i will completely understand :-P
1. I have long conversations with myself. A nice way of saying i talk to myself longer than even most crazy people deem normal. This helps me gain insight on my life a lot of times though you're probably thinking i'm just crazy.
2. My last name is Smith which is extremely disappointing to some people when they ask me what my name is and it starts off so grandiose like Rasheeda Aisha......Smith. They seriously frown about it sometimes. I do, too. All the more reason to marry an Asian man. Cuz you can't tell me Rasheeda Aisha Yamamoto doesn't sound bad ass.
3. I have an unhealthy addiction to technology and form uncanny and intense love affairs with electronic gadgets. Really unhealthy. For example, I cannot put down my new T-mobile G1 for a second. It is glued to my hand while I am eating, driving, smoking, even watching TV. My highest texts averaged at one point over 2000 in one billing cycle. It's been about a month since I've had it and it lays beside me every night on a charger on my bed. In fact, my mom just yelled at me for the thousandth time to "Please put down my phone" and it is obvious I am ignorning her because.....
4. I am typing this on said T-mobile G1. Don't be surprised. I've written pages of blogs and even school reports on my previous blackberry. Now do you believe me?
5. I am a 24 yr old virgin. A rare entity in this world and a fact I do not wish to change anytime soon. This statement is unfathomable to a lot of people. I have a habit of wearing my heart on my sleeve and i absolutely hate it. As a result, I have tried to be more emotionally cut off. It is hard for me to build a relationship because I have been burned so many times by close friends and even family and it is very easy for me to get hurt. I have a hard time letting go of pain and am absolutely terrified of rejection. As a result, I am afraid to fall in love for fear of becoming emo and perhaps even taking my life if I were to fail miserably at it.....
6. I hate kids. I dont ever see myself having one. Pregnancy seems really burdensome and a terrifying prospect. At the same time, I respect women that have the guts to bring a life into this world. However, as I grow older I feel that fear is beginning to slip away. If the world desires it so, I imagine if I were to be pregnant I would like a precocious little child born of a intangible wisdom and a smart mouth whom I'd admire, envy, and wished I had acheived such a beautiful essence at such a young age.
7. Despite common opinion, I very much admire and respect my mother. She is the most intelligent and well-read being I have ever met. I can ask her any question and she can tell me the entire history of the answer. I aspire to die with a fraction of the knowledge within her head and the fact that I most likely never will makes me extremely sad. Enduring the pain of that knowledge drives me into silent madness and trying to live up to even a small measure of it has lead me to believe I am a genetic failure at times.
8. I become enamoured with people too easily and love living vicariously through people who live the type of lives I admire. This causes me to focus on what people think of me entirely too much. I can pull up a billion reasons why I shouldn't care what they think but the one answer as to why I should always glares at me. Strangely enough, 10 years ago I was a completely different person. Entirely shut off, withdrawn, super shy, and extremely anti-social. The extreme opposite of what I am today. I do thank my youth pastor for dragging me out of my shell and enouraging me to reach out to people rather than wait and have them come out to me. To try to face down the rejection and get out there. I am very grateful for every new person I meet and even every friend i lose, regardless of the pain from their departure. Ultimately, I can't say there was never a lesson worth learning in our severance.
9. At the same token, I also become easily disillusioned by people because I tend to have more faith in people than even myself. I can always see the good in anyone and very much prefer to embrace that part of them even when there are a million things to despise. When the despicable things do surface enough for me to see it I realize the unhealthiness of the situation and back away. This leads me to a lot of confusion and self-questioning of my own potential and if the good in me will ever make up for the bad I do and if so which one do people see when they look at me. Perhaps it is a Christian way of emotional self-flogging in order to be closer to being like Christ. Am I doing enough to make a positive impact in this world and can I do more?
10. That being said I am very much a devout christian but I have turned away from many churches. The close-mindedness is too much to handle and too vast to confront. Given my rapidly growing entourage of gay friends (a group not looked too kindly upon and ignored entirely in most churches) I can almost feel the glaring eyes on me whenever I walk into a congregation. They are indeed not the eyes of God but the eyes of wickedly casted judgement. I feel one must experience the world in order to understand the rights and wrongs of it. How can you fight sin with ignorance? How can you fight an enemy without knowing it? How can you only read one chapter of the story not caring about the other chapters of the book? What these people fail to realize is that Christ did not hang out with closed-minded people and he despised the overly-religious. But rather he preached to, listened to, and walked with the sinners, social outcasts, the poor and the rejected. He had to understand them to teach them and in turn each grew to love the other and understand one another. It is such a powerful testimony in itself, the instant I can recall the stories tears well up in my eyes. That is the love of God. That is His spirit burning within me. That feeling is gone from the chapels. Churches preach of love and tolerance but act with harsh and hasty judgement that reveres quite the opposite of Christ's teachings. Many now believe all Christians are judgemental, ignorant, hypocritical bastards. I strive to prove them wrong. For I am in love with God and I despise hypocracy.
11. I sometimes fantasize about being a beautiful anime character filled with untouchable strength, unquenchable rage, and incredible god-like fighting powers. Her name is Kiana and she is my alter-ego. You will learn to respect her or be demolished.
12. I am desperately in love with soulful music from the 60-70s era. I hate most music of my generation and admire most artists around my age that sing within that category of music. It seems that they can redeem my generation. I will not grow old and say I lived in a talentless and cold world. Also as a result, I have a slight obsession with the sounds of Joss Stone.
13. I have never physically fought with anyone in my life but did come close to stabbing a girl I once considered a mutual friend who made an extremely deragatory racial comment against me once. It takes a lot to get me mad and when I do reach that level I can feel myself get violent. Extremely violent. Its almost insatiable the way it runs through my mind. So in the end, I always walk away from the situation entirely for the benefit of both parties.
14. I can still wear clothes I've worn since junior high school.
15. I am a tomboy at heart. Sometimes to the point where even my mother has questioned my sexuality. I consider it a rugged spirit forged from years of isolation when I moved to Pennsylvania in the middle of an all-white suburbia. So I made my own friends and nature was it. Heh, along with my brothers. I played in the dirt with bugs, read nature books, built things from wood and construction paper, played video games, and had water gun fights with my younger brothers and in turn shapened a vivid imagination and a mind enforced by self-motivation and determination to not play the rather boring girly damsel, for those were the ones that rejected me first.
16. I think too much, over-analyze everything heavily, rationalize to the point of insanity, break everything down to dust but still go against it all and act with my heart. Its a gift and curse.
17. I am 24 and still not living up to my potential. I work at a call center fixing phones working half-assedly through school. At times, my mind wakes me in the middle of the night and I wake up from the mortal fear of dying and not doing anything to have changed the world. Which is....
18. Why I want to become a writer. We read the words of dead men everyday in situations that can apply even in the most modern of circumstances. Words never die. Such wisdom is always left as an impermeable footprint in the sand or an ever-shining pearl in a dusty jewelry box. The body fades but the feeling and the words remain the same. You cannot kill a voice that continually echoes. I don't want to fade away as a distant memory from this planet without sharing my thoughts and inflicting passion and inspiration without making some sort of impact. That fear drives me into occasional madness and my thoughts flail desperately to grasp something to bring me back to present. But the words of Voltaire always echo "The present is pregnant with the future."
19. Sylvia Plath is my literary idol. I feel her sadistic words slipping like a serpent through me. I just recently started getting into her books and poetry and I fear I am growing way too emo for my own good. I don't want my head in an oven just yet though.
20. I'll keep the next few ones short cuz I know you're a very good friend if you've made it this far into my head. And its why I avoid these types of blogs. My friend list grows shorter still.
21. I once ate 2 big mac combos in 5 minutes. I have people that can testify.
22. I am very political and politics spark a passion in me I never get to feel but once ever 4 yrs. This past year, the passion was almost palpable.
23. I love fast cars, tatoos, and motorcycles. And I really love guys that wear pink.
24. I have anxiety problems and get violent shakes periodically. It seems to happen when I am emotionally drawn to something or become overly passionate about something or am just plain nervous. I find smoking helps even though I despise it. I have already tried 4-5 medications that resulted in extreme unpleasant side-effects and saw a therapist for it (it sometimes intercedes with depression) and cigs are the only temporary calming bliss I have. This blog is making me shake a bit now. Probably cuz i'm a little of all of the above on writing this.
25. I am overly affectionate and passionate about everything I do and to everyone I meet. Passion drives Action. Action drives Change. Change inspires. So I always ask myself at the end of each day....what difference did you make, either big or small, today?
1. I have long conversations with myself. A nice way of saying i talk to myself longer than even most crazy people deem normal. This helps me gain insight on my life a lot of times though you're probably thinking i'm just crazy.
2. My last name is Smith which is extremely disappointing to some people when they ask me what my name is and it starts off so grandiose like Rasheeda Aisha......Smith. They seriously frown about it sometimes. I do, too. All the more reason to marry an Asian man. Cuz you can't tell me Rasheeda Aisha Yamamoto doesn't sound bad ass.
3. I have an unhealthy addiction to technology and form uncanny and intense love affairs with electronic gadgets. Really unhealthy. For example, I cannot put down my new T-mobile G1 for a second. It is glued to my hand while I am eating, driving, smoking, even watching TV. My highest texts averaged at one point over 2000 in one billing cycle. It's been about a month since I've had it and it lays beside me every night on a charger on my bed. In fact, my mom just yelled at me for the thousandth time to "Please put down my phone" and it is obvious I am ignorning her because.....
4. I am typing this on said T-mobile G1. Don't be surprised. I've written pages of blogs and even school reports on my previous blackberry. Now do you believe me?
5. I am a 24 yr old virgin. A rare entity in this world and a fact I do not wish to change anytime soon. This statement is unfathomable to a lot of people. I have a habit of wearing my heart on my sleeve and i absolutely hate it. As a result, I have tried to be more emotionally cut off. It is hard for me to build a relationship because I have been burned so many times by close friends and even family and it is very easy for me to get hurt. I have a hard time letting go of pain and am absolutely terrified of rejection. As a result, I am afraid to fall in love for fear of becoming emo and perhaps even taking my life if I were to fail miserably at it.....
6. I hate kids. I dont ever see myself having one. Pregnancy seems really burdensome and a terrifying prospect. At the same time, I respect women that have the guts to bring a life into this world. However, as I grow older I feel that fear is beginning to slip away. If the world desires it so, I imagine if I were to be pregnant I would like a precocious little child born of a intangible wisdom and a smart mouth whom I'd admire, envy, and wished I had acheived such a beautiful essence at such a young age.
7. Despite common opinion, I very much admire and respect my mother. She is the most intelligent and well-read being I have ever met. I can ask her any question and she can tell me the entire history of the answer. I aspire to die with a fraction of the knowledge within her head and the fact that I most likely never will makes me extremely sad. Enduring the pain of that knowledge drives me into silent madness and trying to live up to even a small measure of it has lead me to believe I am a genetic failure at times.
8. I become enamoured with people too easily and love living vicariously through people who live the type of lives I admire. This causes me to focus on what people think of me entirely too much. I can pull up a billion reasons why I shouldn't care what they think but the one answer as to why I should always glares at me. Strangely enough, 10 years ago I was a completely different person. Entirely shut off, withdrawn, super shy, and extremely anti-social. The extreme opposite of what I am today. I do thank my youth pastor for dragging me out of my shell and enouraging me to reach out to people rather than wait and have them come out to me. To try to face down the rejection and get out there. I am very grateful for every new person I meet and even every friend i lose, regardless of the pain from their departure. Ultimately, I can't say there was never a lesson worth learning in our severance.
9. At the same token, I also become easily disillusioned by people because I tend to have more faith in people than even myself. I can always see the good in anyone and very much prefer to embrace that part of them even when there are a million things to despise. When the despicable things do surface enough for me to see it I realize the unhealthiness of the situation and back away. This leads me to a lot of confusion and self-questioning of my own potential and if the good in me will ever make up for the bad I do and if so which one do people see when they look at me. Perhaps it is a Christian way of emotional self-flogging in order to be closer to being like Christ. Am I doing enough to make a positive impact in this world and can I do more?
10. That being said I am very much a devout christian but I have turned away from many churches. The close-mindedness is too much to handle and too vast to confront. Given my rapidly growing entourage of gay friends (a group not looked too kindly upon and ignored entirely in most churches) I can almost feel the glaring eyes on me whenever I walk into a congregation. They are indeed not the eyes of God but the eyes of wickedly casted judgement. I feel one must experience the world in order to understand the rights and wrongs of it. How can you fight sin with ignorance? How can you fight an enemy without knowing it? How can you only read one chapter of the story not caring about the other chapters of the book? What these people fail to realize is that Christ did not hang out with closed-minded people and he despised the overly-religious. But rather he preached to, listened to, and walked with the sinners, social outcasts, the poor and the rejected. He had to understand them to teach them and in turn each grew to love the other and understand one another. It is such a powerful testimony in itself, the instant I can recall the stories tears well up in my eyes. That is the love of God. That is His spirit burning within me. That feeling is gone from the chapels. Churches preach of love and tolerance but act with harsh and hasty judgement that reveres quite the opposite of Christ's teachings. Many now believe all Christians are judgemental, ignorant, hypocritical bastards. I strive to prove them wrong. For I am in love with God and I despise hypocracy.
11. I sometimes fantasize about being a beautiful anime character filled with untouchable strength, unquenchable rage, and incredible god-like fighting powers. Her name is Kiana and she is my alter-ego. You will learn to respect her or be demolished.
12. I am desperately in love with soulful music from the 60-70s era. I hate most music of my generation and admire most artists around my age that sing within that category of music. It seems that they can redeem my generation. I will not grow old and say I lived in a talentless and cold world. Also as a result, I have a slight obsession with the sounds of Joss Stone.
13. I have never physically fought with anyone in my life but did come close to stabbing a girl I once considered a mutual friend who made an extremely deragatory racial comment against me once. It takes a lot to get me mad and when I do reach that level I can feel myself get violent. Extremely violent. Its almost insatiable the way it runs through my mind. So in the end, I always walk away from the situation entirely for the benefit of both parties.
14. I can still wear clothes I've worn since junior high school.
15. I am a tomboy at heart. Sometimes to the point where even my mother has questioned my sexuality. I consider it a rugged spirit forged from years of isolation when I moved to Pennsylvania in the middle of an all-white suburbia. So I made my own friends and nature was it. Heh, along with my brothers. I played in the dirt with bugs, read nature books, built things from wood and construction paper, played video games, and had water gun fights with my younger brothers and in turn shapened a vivid imagination and a mind enforced by self-motivation and determination to not play the rather boring girly damsel, for those were the ones that rejected me first.
16. I think too much, over-analyze everything heavily, rationalize to the point of insanity, break everything down to dust but still go against it all and act with my heart. Its a gift and curse.
17. I am 24 and still not living up to my potential. I work at a call center fixing phones working half-assedly through school. At times, my mind wakes me in the middle of the night and I wake up from the mortal fear of dying and not doing anything to have changed the world. Which is....
18. Why I want to become a writer. We read the words of dead men everyday in situations that can apply even in the most modern of circumstances. Words never die. Such wisdom is always left as an impermeable footprint in the sand or an ever-shining pearl in a dusty jewelry box. The body fades but the feeling and the words remain the same. You cannot kill a voice that continually echoes. I don't want to fade away as a distant memory from this planet without sharing my thoughts and inflicting passion and inspiration without making some sort of impact. That fear drives me into occasional madness and my thoughts flail desperately to grasp something to bring me back to present. But the words of Voltaire always echo "The present is pregnant with the future."
19. Sylvia Plath is my literary idol. I feel her sadistic words slipping like a serpent through me. I just recently started getting into her books and poetry and I fear I am growing way too emo for my own good. I don't want my head in an oven just yet though.
20. I'll keep the next few ones short cuz I know you're a very good friend if you've made it this far into my head. And its why I avoid these types of blogs. My friend list grows shorter still.
21. I once ate 2 big mac combos in 5 minutes. I have people that can testify.
22. I am very political and politics spark a passion in me I never get to feel but once ever 4 yrs. This past year, the passion was almost palpable.
23. I love fast cars, tatoos, and motorcycles. And I really love guys that wear pink.
24. I have anxiety problems and get violent shakes periodically. It seems to happen when I am emotionally drawn to something or become overly passionate about something or am just plain nervous. I find smoking helps even though I despise it. I have already tried 4-5 medications that resulted in extreme unpleasant side-effects and saw a therapist for it (it sometimes intercedes with depression) and cigs are the only temporary calming bliss I have. This blog is making me shake a bit now. Probably cuz i'm a little of all of the above on writing this.
25. I am overly affectionate and passionate about everything I do and to everyone I meet. Passion drives Action. Action drives Change. Change inspires. So I always ask myself at the end of each day....what difference did you make, either big or small, today?
