Hermit Habits

As I slowly approach the ripening age of 24 in approximately 2 weeks, this past weekend has revealed to me that I am a homebody. Perhaps, actually, this perspective is incorrect as I have never really been one that has wanted to explore the outside world. For the past 4 yrs, I have thrown myself in social circles, groups, churches, mingling with people, starting random interesting conversations and debates. All because I could and not so much that I wanted to.

My mother tells me people are generally attracted to my personality. That its a leadership aura I give off that draws people to me but because of my public shyness that sometimes hinders me to speak or lack of interest to do so, people eventually fall from me. I thought that was a silly statement till my youth pastor had said the same thing.

Honestly, I don't know what leadership qualities I possess, however, I do find when I go to parties or meet new people through friends I'll say 1 or 2 things that are within my usual range of sarcastic wit and by the end of the night I have a few new numbers in my cell phone from people that wanna hang out more. I don't call them. At most, maybe the occasional facebook message. I've seem to have lost interest in people. To me being social is a chore. I used to be the shyest thing on the planet but in an effort to make friends I forced myself to step out of my shell years ago. But deep down, I don't think it was ever something I enjoyed doing all that much. I never enjoyed being social but I didn't enjoy being bored more. I'd go to parties only because "there'd be nothing else to do".

When I was younger, a lot of the kids around where I live would drink and come from alcoholic families and get in bad drunken accidents where they killed their friends. Almost every year in high school, another classmate or 2 would be missing. I honestly never drank when I was underage. Afraid of the alcoholism that ran rampant on my father's side of the family I didn't actually touch alcohol till I was 22 yrs old. Then I realized as I got older, those same people would still drink. There was never any other way to have a good time but to drink.They never took responsibility, never grew up. Its like all these years later after my teens and there is still nothing to do where I live but alcohol shops, bars, and diners. It's finally driving me insane.

The "Me" on here is a way different "Me" in person. In essence though they're still both the "real me", I think somewhere down the line that's bothered me. I'd like the Me's to meet more often, however, there are no outlets around here for the "Writer Me" to flourish and grow, for the "Intellectual Me" to learn, and for the "Funny Me" to sharpen my wit.

My pathetic attempts at finishing school were becoming droll, but as I realize how smothering this place is I'm realizing I need to really finish in order to finally move on with my life and I'm not getting anywhere in this economy without a degree.

I feel old. Not cuz I'm 24. I've been feeling old...mentally. And physically from work I've been exhausted and emotionally drained. This whole weekend I spent indoors mostly sleeping, went out to a club with Jimmie where he drank himself into a sick drunken stupor, got home, slept, and saturday watched the new Bond movie (which I abhorred but that will be another blog) then came home and slept some more. I didn't call any of my friends...most of them having moved to NYC or otherwise since fall anyway.

I think it's that same sign of depression I used to have in high school. Unmotivated to get out of bed, tired all the time. The weather doesn't help. I'm becoming more wary of it. I let myself slip this weekend but this week I'm going to force myself to get up and make a list of activities to do for fun before work.

Since I'm not taking the meds to combat it I need to make sure I make action plans to prevent the depression. I don't want to become that same girl from before. Her sadness is frightening and her mind, fragile.