I find.....

Human beings are evil, conceited things confined to their own unnerving habits filled with narcissism and selfishness.

And I am enslaved to the mind of one, guilty of the same pleasures of indulgence and self-fulfillment.

When I come to this realization and catch myself, I am shamed in my own skin. I am ashamed of what I am. I try to evolve. I try to become something more highly advanced. And there are times I even convince myself I'm better than all humankind and beyond such thoughts and that my cause and purpose is so much greater than the human race itself. But I soon settle down in my arrogance only to discover that I've only sunk deeper and lower into those very same intemperate thoughts which I claimed to denounce as uncivilized. It humbles me and I realize that I am lowest on the totem pole. I am the most primitive of all beings.

I try and I try to break free of the fate that chains my mind but....

Sometimes the struggle drives me mad......

blah, random update

There are times I wish I had something important to say or a earth shattering cause I could fulfil that was tied to my destiny but instead I find myself facing my increasing age moving faster than my ideals can take me.

The fact is depressing.

I feel change is imminent this year but really more so because my environment has to push me into an absolute corner before I'm willing to move. I wish I were more motivated. I'm not sure how one creates motivation or can increase upon it. Its one of those things that come from inspiration which usually has to be triggered in you by either an action or a person. Maybe I'm not surrounding myself with the right people?

If I conclude that's the case then that would mean my mother was right. And as much as she is right I don't like to acknowledge it.

"Friends," she says, "will do three things for you. Either pull you up, pull you down, or pull you along. Your friends just seem to pull you along."

This has probably been the fact for a good 4 yrs. I will say the past year I have expanded my friend collection into various sorts and it has been rather inspring in that sense. Frequent trips to New York city and a few to Philly have been refreshing. Changing up my scenery, trying new things, expanding my world views have all been helpful.

I can say though my biggest push would be this godforsaken job at this call center.

Its been the most unhealthiest experience and job I have ever had both mentally and physically. Seeing people gain weight (including myself a whole 20 lbs though you all still look at me angrily), people going on all sort of psychotropic medications of various types from the stress, people unable to spend time with their kids because its the only job (or one of the very few) that pay well out here without a college degree, people losing this job like flies due to the economy, people developing heavy smoking, drug, and alcohol problems, and Corporate America's bullshit politics.

This job is insane and it drives you insane.

It was never my intention to stay here long. Several traumatic things happened the past 3 yrs that caused a delay in my education. Not to go into details because it would take forever but one was being homeless a good chunk of a year.

Once I hit a rut its a bit hard for me to wanna push myself out of it. I am reminded, however, from the constant whining of people on a daily basis that life could be worse so I never complained so much as I just drowned myself in my own misery both secretly and quietly.

I'm feeling a bit better now. Life goes on.

Anyway, back to school in August. I think I'll make it under my "graduate before 30" goal.

There was no real point to this note. Just was bored at work and overcaffeinated. I may write a real note one day again. Thanks for reading. :-P

My gay best friend Steven is so adorable. He is a mini-Zac Effron with a smile and a dance in his step that always puts a smile on my face no matter how angry I am about anything. Even if it's at him, he stares at me with his teary hazel green eyes and I forgive him after 5 minutes of anger. He has the mind-set and eagerness of a child at times but it makes me always look at the more positive side of things.

He often vents his frustrations via Facebook statuses about his boyfriend frequently. It's his first honest-to-goodness relationship in which he's been committed and hasn't cheated and it's been over a year. We're all proud of him. Given how his mom has been cheating on his dad for the past couple of years with all sorts of men, we all began to think the whorish-ness might be genetic. He gave us hope. But his boyfriend's lack of coddling over him makes him mad. So he posts emo-like statuses in frequently.Tonight it was:

Steve is dancing for new years cuz his boyfriend won't dance with him at all tonight woooo love you anyway thanks!!!!

Steve has been so excited about planning a romantic getaway with his boyfriend whom always seems to make alternate plans later on and causes Steve constant disappointment. His boyfriend, Ron, is from Panama and was there last Christmas/New Year's so Steve ended up alone and drunk. He had explained to me a few weeks ago how he planned a romantic trip with Ron to go to Paris because his Ron had never been and had stated he wanted to go. Steve who speaks fluent french, bakes and cooks, and is an extreme romantic thought it would be a great Christmas present to take him there and planned out this elaborate get-away last month. Steve had already been to Paris before with a friend back in high school a few years ago. So I'm assuming by this new status his boyfriend broke some bad news to him.

I text him. "Are you ok? Saw the fb status. Jesus. Let me know if you need to talk. Love u"

He responded "Women always understand better than men, haha i miss you"

I can tell he's drunk when he's over-emotional like this.

So I joked to ease the tension "haha and gay men always understand better than straight men. we should get married like your dad hoped for ;)"

His dad had made a comment a year ago about how Steve should marry me and how I must have a crush on him just because I was helping Steve get a license so he can get on with his life since he was going away to school and reliant on Ron to drive him everywhere. We had a good laugh for awhile about his dad's comment.

He replied "no we should cuz then for once i'd be happy"

I didn't respond and am going to bed. Good lord. He'll be fine and gay again by tomorrow.