Mortal Thoughts Stir Suppressed Desires

I've been slacking on the blogging I know, I know. A quick few updates. I had an amazing New Years in New York City. My Penn State peep Alexandra, whom I have affectionately nicknamed the Communist since she's Russian, met my other alcoholic BFF from Australia, Micaela which resulted in a bizzare drunken make-out session that neither fully remembered (or maybe didn't want to).

I made a friend from Tajikistan who also lives in NYC over the holidays. He was a friend's ex who friend requested me on facebook because facebook "suggested me". He was a bit confused about the concept or why it requested me so he facebook chatted me asking me who I was. I knew his name from my friend's stories so I explained to him why Facebook suggested me and how I knew him. Then we made small talk about school, how he was finding the U.S., what our plans were for the holidays. He had been in NY for 2 years but didn't really know anybody. I felt kind of bad he had to celebrate NYE alone and he seemed really chill so I invited him out to hang out with me and my friends when I came down. He agreed. When I met him he was a bit intimidating. He was really tall, had intense black eyes, and a real quiet demeanor. When he told me where he was from he asked if I knew where that was, I embarassingly admitted that I did not, to which he replied with a smirk "You don't? You should know where it is if you're going to be a journalism major." Touché. It was then after that sarcastic comment that I knew we'd be best friends (if you were wondering it is in between China and Afghanistan).

I've also been 3 going on 4 months totally smoke-free! Finally. I hung a framed poster of Britney pre-baby days on my wall as a reminder to get my abs back in shape for the summer. I really wanna hit a gym. I've missed being somewhat in shape and I haven't really taken advantage of the gym facilities in my apartment complex. I've caved in a few times with a few puffs here and there after drinking heavily but usually I have great willpower. I don't miss it....usually.

I am working 2 jobs and taking classes online this semester. I'm so financially behind on EVERYTHING that I couldn't possibly go another semester like I did last semester. So I decided to do as many credits as I could take online and just work, work, work. It's going to require a lot more discipline than I'm used to forcing myself to carry out but the desperateness I feel in needing to leave Pennsylvania for good has reached beyond it's limit. I can't stay here any longer than necessary. I need to bang this last year and a half out and get over to California. My friend Jimmie, my old roommate from last year, is already checking out apartments for us to live in together. My soul has that nomadic itch I just haven't been able to scratch for too long.

I may possibly have a new guy in my life. The irony is about a few weeks ago I went through some really old blogs on xanga and I found one where he had kind of attempted to ask me out awhile ago at a Barnes & Noble but my father was there and his friends were behind him waiting so it seemed like he got nervous and walked away. I remember reading it, finding it kind of funny and wondering if he would ever try again. I had known him for about 6 yrs since I used to work at Wal-Mart and met him through our mutual friend Molly. Molly, was this short little curly red-haired girl who was absolutely adorable, but had a drinking problem that rivaled only Lindsay Lohan. I remember visiting her over the summer at her house while she was under house arrest. Anyway, I'm digressing. Nick (dude's name) came to work with us at Wal-Mart. All my friends would fight over his attention. I wasn't interested then but he was real chill so we hung out a lot. He was into music, in a band, and a drummer so he and my brother hit it off since my brother drums as well. He was very devoted to his mother who had a chronic condition that left her severely handicapped. He worked a lot to support her and dealt with his alcoholic dad who found him a constant disappointment. We lost touch for a while after we all kinda left Wal-Mart. He just got reacquainted with me on Facebook about 2 years ago. We hung out last summer a few times. He asked me out via Facebook chat if he could take me out on a date when I came back to visit home. How odd life is. We'll see how it plays out.

My views on relationships have gotten a bit skewed and I find myself more and more cynical about trusting people especially romantically. I've been single for about 3 years. My parents who have known each other since junior high school just got divorced officially in October. My mom is already seeing someone new from her church. I always had a devout religious Christian background so I always prided myself on not having sex before I was married. But over the past 10 years I've watched my parents who started out as best friends relationship unravel, I found out my mom only married my dad really cuz she was pregnant with me already and mulling it over has just kinda scared me. I realize I wasn't holding myself for marriage so much as I was just holding out not to get hurt (and pregnant because I hate kids). I kinda was settling into the mindset of being an old lady with lots of cats. But sometimes it does get rather lonely. Needless to say my beliefs aren't the same they were.

I know its kind of wrong to put my parents experiences onto fears of what will be for me but its only natural. Especially considering I always thought they had the ideal circumstances for staying together.

Anyway, I'm really determined to just move on with my life and get out of this state and really partake in things that I love. Writing, traveling, and making friends along the way from everywhere possible....so that way when I get my degree if I need to write any geographically informative articles, I'll know where most countries are.