Insomni-rant

My desire to save one's eternity sometimes grows so strong, my compassion often turns into anger and frustration. It is the curse of my love for people.

When I fail and that anger sets in it reminds me I am ill-equipped in my knowledge to use the right words, say the right things at the right times.

It is a maddening experience and a depressing fact for me.

I feel I have let people down without them knowing unable to break through their chosen ignorance. Perhaps it is arrogant and self-aggrandizing for me to think that they need my help to begin with, but I cannot command my heart's feelings as it speaks to my soul.

My super-hero complex is on a level that is insane. I can't help but fear my own fading presence into the aging future. Being totally forgotten in the ground as my body turns to dust.

As I stare out at the world, I try to take in every second even if the moment seems insignificant. It is a tiring feat. I fight constantly against my own mind, argue with my memory to linger longer on everything my eyes set upon. When it fails, I feel its missing piece glaring at me like a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle. It is small compared to the thousand there, but that one piece is significant in finishing the complete picture.

I grow older, time grows wiser. But I still try to hold on to what is left of my fleeting youth. I envy the eyes of a child who's excitement grows with every new and little experience. I always try to look for the next best thing and run away from my responsibilities hoping to stay in the presence of my childhood a little longer. But the world turns and pushes me out onto my feet and turns the warm grass into cold, dark asphalt. Reality sets in. I am going to age and dye. It is a learning process trying to grow. And it is painful.

It is fearful aging

It is terrifying to fail.

But I tire of the childish things.

Alas my new adventure will be to conquer fading memory and find a way to immortalize myself by changing this world. I want to take those I love with me but deep down know I cannot. This is my venture. My journey. My fear.

For I fear mortality more than anything.

I find.....

Human beings are evil, conceited things confined to their own unnerving habits filled with narcissism and selfishness.

And I am enslaved to the mind of one, guilty of the same pleasures of indulgence and self-fulfillment.

When I come to this realization and catch myself, I am shamed in my own skin. I am ashamed of what I am. I try to evolve. I try to become something more highly advanced. And there are times I even convince myself I'm better than all humankind and beyond such thoughts and that my cause and purpose is so much greater than the human race itself. But I soon settle down in my arrogance only to discover that I've only sunk deeper and lower into those very same intemperate thoughts which I claimed to denounce as uncivilized. It humbles me and I realize that I am lowest on the totem pole. I am the most primitive of all beings.

I try and I try to break free of the fate that chains my mind but....

Sometimes the struggle drives me mad......

blah, random update

There are times I wish I had something important to say or a earth shattering cause I could fulfil that was tied to my destiny but instead I find myself facing my increasing age moving faster than my ideals can take me.

The fact is depressing.

I feel change is imminent this year but really more so because my environment has to push me into an absolute corner before I'm willing to move. I wish I were more motivated. I'm not sure how one creates motivation or can increase upon it. Its one of those things that come from inspiration which usually has to be triggered in you by either an action or a person. Maybe I'm not surrounding myself with the right people?

If I conclude that's the case then that would mean my mother was right. And as much as she is right I don't like to acknowledge it.

"Friends," she says, "will do three things for you. Either pull you up, pull you down, or pull you along. Your friends just seem to pull you along."

This has probably been the fact for a good 4 yrs. I will say the past year I have expanded my friend collection into various sorts and it has been rather inspring in that sense. Frequent trips to New York city and a few to Philly have been refreshing. Changing up my scenery, trying new things, expanding my world views have all been helpful.

I can say though my biggest push would be this godforsaken job at this call center.

Its been the most unhealthiest experience and job I have ever had both mentally and physically. Seeing people gain weight (including myself a whole 20 lbs though you all still look at me angrily), people going on all sort of psychotropic medications of various types from the stress, people unable to spend time with their kids because its the only job (or one of the very few) that pay well out here without a college degree, people losing this job like flies due to the economy, people developing heavy smoking, drug, and alcohol problems, and Corporate America's bullshit politics.

This job is insane and it drives you insane.

It was never my intention to stay here long. Several traumatic things happened the past 3 yrs that caused a delay in my education. Not to go into details because it would take forever but one was being homeless a good chunk of a year.

Once I hit a rut its a bit hard for me to wanna push myself out of it. I am reminded, however, from the constant whining of people on a daily basis that life could be worse so I never complained so much as I just drowned myself in my own misery both secretly and quietly.

I'm feeling a bit better now. Life goes on.

Anyway, back to school in August. I think I'll make it under my "graduate before 30" goal.

There was no real point to this note. Just was bored at work and overcaffeinated. I may write a real note one day again. Thanks for reading. :-P

My gay best friend Steven is so adorable. He is a mini-Zac Effron with a smile and a dance in his step that always puts a smile on my face no matter how angry I am about anything. Even if it's at him, he stares at me with his teary hazel green eyes and I forgive him after 5 minutes of anger. He has the mind-set and eagerness of a child at times but it makes me always look at the more positive side of things.

He often vents his frustrations via Facebook statuses about his boyfriend frequently. It's his first honest-to-goodness relationship in which he's been committed and hasn't cheated and it's been over a year. We're all proud of him. Given how his mom has been cheating on his dad for the past couple of years with all sorts of men, we all began to think the whorish-ness might be genetic. He gave us hope. But his boyfriend's lack of coddling over him makes him mad. So he posts emo-like statuses in frequently.Tonight it was:

Steve is dancing for new years cuz his boyfriend won't dance with him at all tonight woooo love you anyway thanks!!!!

Steve has been so excited about planning a romantic getaway with his boyfriend whom always seems to make alternate plans later on and causes Steve constant disappointment. His boyfriend, Ron, is from Panama and was there last Christmas/New Year's so Steve ended up alone and drunk. He had explained to me a few weeks ago how he planned a romantic trip with Ron to go to Paris because his Ron had never been and had stated he wanted to go. Steve who speaks fluent french, bakes and cooks, and is an extreme romantic thought it would be a great Christmas present to take him there and planned out this elaborate get-away last month. Steve had already been to Paris before with a friend back in high school a few years ago. So I'm assuming by this new status his boyfriend broke some bad news to him.

I text him. "Are you ok? Saw the fb status. Jesus. Let me know if you need to talk. Love u"

He responded "Women always understand better than men, haha i miss you"

I can tell he's drunk when he's over-emotional like this.

So I joked to ease the tension "haha and gay men always understand better than straight men. we should get married like your dad hoped for ;)"

His dad had made a comment a year ago about how Steve should marry me and how I must have a crush on him just because I was helping Steve get a license so he can get on with his life since he was going away to school and reliant on Ron to drive him everywhere. We had a good laugh for awhile about his dad's comment.

He replied "no we should cuz then for once i'd be happy"

I didn't respond and am going to bed. Good lord. He'll be fine and gay again by tomorrow.

Dear Blog,

In the short few months since last october I have made amazing life progress. I am happy to say I have

1. Moved away from home.

2. Am almost done with my bills so I can finish school.

3. Lost amazing friends.

4. Gained amazing friends.

5. Traveled to NYC and discovered an amazing band of drama kids from every part of the world.

6. Am facebook friends with all 30-something of them.

7. Discovered my utterly deep love of people who are diverse and different and I fiend for more of them every day.

8. Met an amazing girl from Australia whom at the age of 19 is the most amazing and intelligent person I've come to know and who's bitter angst and verbal play and writing is on a par much matched to my thought processes. It makes me giddy and I love her. She is a lost sibling in my mind brimmed with the soul of a bright alcoholic and her name is Micaela.

9. Discovered my best friend is not who I thought he was. And its another growing process as I struggle with cutting off yet another tie that has been most dear to me since I've moved from home but its a relationship making me lose more than I am gaining.

10. Said best friend is ironically my roommate and I am struggling mostly because I cannot live with my mother again.

11. Am discovering myself by stepping outside myself and doing things I never thought I'd do that I always wanted to do. Like piercing my nose (done) and streaking my hair purple (this Friday) and no its not a belated rebellious teenage stage. Its finally a reflection of my personality I've always wished to emulate but never had the guts to go do it.

12. Am grateful for every moment, every loss, every tear, every failure, every success, every friend gained, every friend lost, every opportunity, every experience gained, every heartbreak. And am learning to take in all of it and realize it is making me a stronger person and putting me on a road that will be less traveled by but still an amazing journey.

I wouldn't trade 2009 for all the guaranteed pleasurable bliss in the world.

This was one of those blog tags but these facts are such a deep part of me i wanted to blog them here as well.

I'll start out slow so you can see my each level of my insanity as i progress. i am only selecting the few and strong to read this. Bear with me and if you delete me after reading this i will completely understand :-P

1. I have long conversations with myself. A nice way of saying i talk to myself longer than even most crazy people deem normal. This helps me gain insight on my life a lot of times though you're probably thinking i'm just crazy.

2. My last name is Smith which is extremely disappointing to some people when they ask me what my name is and it starts off so grandiose like Rasheeda Aisha......Smith. They seriously frown about it sometimes. I do, too. All the more reason to marry an Asian man. Cuz you can't tell me Rasheeda Aisha Yamamoto doesn't sound bad ass.

3. I have an unhealthy addiction to technology and form uncanny and intense love affairs with electronic gadgets. Really unhealthy. For example, I cannot put down my new T-mobile G1 for a second. It is glued to my hand while I am eating, driving, smoking, even watching TV. My highest texts averaged at one point over 2000 in one billing cycle. It's been about a month since I've had it and it lays beside me every night on a charger on my bed. In fact, my mom just yelled at me for the thousandth time to "Please put down my phone" and it is obvious I am ignorning her because.....

4. I am typing this on said T-mobile G1. Don't be surprised. I've written pages of blogs and even school reports on my previous blackberry. Now do you believe me?

5. I am a 24 yr old virgin. A rare entity in this world and a fact I do not wish to change anytime soon. This statement is unfathomable to a lot of people. I have a habit of wearing my heart on my sleeve and i absolutely hate it. As a result, I have tried to be more emotionally cut off. It is hard for me to build a relationship because I have been burned so many times by close friends and even family and it is very easy for me to get hurt. I have a hard time letting go of pain and am absolutely terrified of rejection. As a result, I am afraid to fall in love for fear of becoming emo and perhaps even taking my life if I were to fail miserably at it.....

6. I hate kids. I dont ever see myself having one. Pregnancy seems really burdensome and a terrifying prospect. At the same time, I respect women that have the guts to bring a life into this world. However, as I grow older I feel that fear is beginning to slip away. If the world desires it so, I imagine if I were to be pregnant I would like a precocious little child born of a intangible wisdom and a smart mouth whom I'd admire, envy, and wished I had acheived such a beautiful essence at such a young age.

7. Despite common opinion, I very much admire and respect my mother. She is the most intelligent and well-read being I have ever met. I can ask her any question and she can tell me the entire history of the answer. I aspire to die with a fraction of the knowledge within her head and the fact that I most likely never will makes me extremely sad. Enduring the pain of that knowledge drives me into silent madness and trying to live up to even a small measure of it has lead me to believe I am a genetic failure at times.

8. I become enamoured with people too easily and love living vicariously through people who live the type of lives I admire. This causes me to focus on what people think of me entirely too much. I can pull up a billion reasons why I shouldn't care what they think but the one answer as to why I should always glares at me. Strangely enough, 10 years ago I was a completely different person. Entirely shut off, withdrawn, super shy, and extremely anti-social. The extreme opposite of what I am today. I do thank my youth pastor for dragging me out of my shell and enouraging me to reach out to people rather than wait and have them come out to me. To try to face down the rejection and get out there. I am very grateful for every new person I meet and even every friend i lose, regardless of the pain from their departure. Ultimately, I can't say there was never a lesson worth learning in our severance.

9. At the same token, I also become easily disillusioned by people because I tend to have more faith in people than even myself. I can always see the good in anyone and very much prefer to embrace that part of them even when there are a million things to despise. When the despicable things do surface enough for me to see it I realize the unhealthiness of the situation and back away. This leads me to a lot of confusion and self-questioning of my own potential and if the good in me will ever make up for the bad I do and if so which one do people see when they look at me. Perhaps it is a Christian way of emotional self-flogging in order to be closer to being like Christ. Am I doing enough to make a positive impact in this world and can I do more?

10. That being said I am very much a devout christian but I have turned away from many churches. The close-mindedness is too much to handle and too vast to confront. Given my rapidly growing entourage of gay friends (a group not looked too kindly upon and ignored entirely in most churches) I can almost feel the glaring eyes on me whenever I walk into a congregation. They are indeed not the eyes of God but the eyes of wickedly casted judgement. I feel one must experience the world in order to understand the rights and wrongs of it. How can you fight sin with ignorance? How can you fight an enemy without knowing it? How can you only read one chapter of the story not caring about the other chapters of the book? What these people fail to realize is that Christ did not hang out with closed-minded people and he despised the overly-religious. But rather he preached to, listened to, and walked with the sinners, social outcasts, the poor and the rejected. He had to understand them to teach them and in turn each grew to love the other and understand one another. It is such a powerful testimony in itself, the instant I can recall the stories tears well up in my eyes. That is the love of God. That is His spirit burning within me. That feeling is gone from the chapels. Churches preach of love and tolerance but act with harsh and hasty judgement that reveres quite the opposite of Christ's teachings. Many now believe all Christians are judgemental, ignorant, hypocritical bastards. I strive to prove them wrong. For I am in love with God and I despise hypocracy.

11. I sometimes fantasize about being a beautiful anime character filled with untouchable strength, unquenchable rage, and incredible god-like fighting powers. Her name is Kiana and she is my alter-ego. You will learn to respect her or be demolished.

12. I am desperately in love with soulful music from the 60-70s era. I hate most music of my generation and admire most artists around my age that sing within that category of music. It seems that they can redeem my generation. I will not grow old and say I lived in a talentless and cold world. Also as a result, I have a slight obsession with the sounds of Joss Stone.

13. I have never physically fought with anyone in my life but did come close to stabbing a girl I once considered a mutual friend who made an extremely deragatory racial comment against me once. It takes a lot to get me mad and when I do reach that level I can feel myself get violent. Extremely violent. Its almost insatiable the way it runs through my mind. So in the end, I always walk away from the situation entirely for the benefit of both parties.

14. I can still wear clothes I've worn since junior high school.

15. I am a tomboy at heart. Sometimes to the point where even my mother has questioned my sexuality. I consider it a rugged spirit forged from years of isolation when I moved to Pennsylvania in the middle of an all-white suburbia. So I made my own friends and nature was it. Heh, along with my brothers. I played in the dirt with bugs, read nature books, built things from wood and construction paper, played video games, and had water gun fights with my younger brothers and in turn shapened a vivid imagination and a mind enforced by self-motivation and determination to not play the rather boring girly damsel, for those were the ones that rejected me first.

16. I think too much, over-analyze everything heavily, rationalize to the point of insanity, break everything down to dust but still go against it all and act with my heart. Its a gift and curse.

17. I am 24 and still not living up to my potential. I work at a call center fixing phones working half-assedly through school. At times, my mind wakes me in the middle of the night and I wake up from the mortal fear of dying and not doing anything to have changed the world. Which is....

18. Why I want to become a writer. We read the words of dead men everyday in situations that can apply even in the most modern of circumstances. Words never die. Such wisdom is always left as an impermeable footprint in the sand or an ever-shining pearl in a dusty jewelry box. The body fades but the feeling and the words remain the same. You cannot kill a voice that continually echoes. I don't want to fade away as a distant memory from this planet without sharing my thoughts and inflicting passion and inspiration without making some sort of impact. That fear drives me into occasional madness and my thoughts flail desperately to grasp something to bring me back to present. But the words of Voltaire always echo "The present is pregnant with the future."

19. Sylvia Plath is my literary idol. I feel her sadistic words slipping like a serpent through me. I just recently started getting into her books and poetry and I fear I am growing way too emo for my own good. I don't want my head in an oven just yet though.

20. I'll keep the next few ones short cuz I know you're a very good friend if you've made it this far into my head. And its why I avoid these types of blogs. My friend list grows shorter still.

21. I once ate 2 big mac combos in 5 minutes. I have people that can testify.

22. I am very political and politics spark a passion in me I never get to feel but once ever 4 yrs. This past year, the passion was almost palpable.

23. I love fast cars, tatoos, and motorcycles. And I really love guys that wear pink.

24. I have anxiety problems and get violent shakes periodically. It seems to happen when I am emotionally drawn to something or become overly passionate about something or am just plain nervous. I find smoking helps even though I despise it. I have already tried 4-5 medications that resulted in extreme unpleasant side-effects and saw a therapist for it (it sometimes intercedes with depression) and cigs are the only temporary calming bliss I have. This blog is making me shake a bit now. Probably cuz i'm a little of all of the above on writing this.

25. I am overly affectionate and passionate about everything I do and to everyone I meet. Passion drives Action. Action drives Change. Change inspires. So I always ask myself at the end of each day....what difference did you make, either big or small, today?

And in recent news....

You may recall my Asian post on Spain back in this past Olympics.

We have a new scandalous photo in town and I'll leave it exactly what I said with the Spasian post....

TMZ reports:

When Miley Cyrus transformed herself into Hanoi Montana for this photo -- she had to know it would turn into bad fortune.

The OCA -- a group "dedicated to advancing the social, political and economic well-being of Asian Pacific Americans" -- is fuming at this photo of Miley and pals for using what they have deemed an offensive, stereotypical gesture.

The OCA sent us this statement: "The photograph of Miley Cyrus and other individuals slanting their eyes currently circulating the Internet is offensive to the Asian Pacific American community and sets a terrible example for her many young fans. This image falls within a long and unfortunate history of people mocking and denigrating individuals of Asian descent...

...Not only has Miley Cyrus and the other individuals in the photograph encouraged and legitimized the taunting and mocking of people of Asian descent, she has also insulted her many Asian Pacific American fans," said George Wu, executive director of OCA. "The inclusion of an Asian Pacific American individual in the photo does not make it acceptable."

"OCA hopes that Miley Cyrus will apologize to her fans and the APA community for this lapse in judgment and takes the opportunity to better understand why the gesture is offensive."

Days later, with the media storm clouds still hovering, Cyrus tried again: "I want to thank all of my fans for their support not only this week, but always! I really wanted to stress how sorry I am if the photo of me with my friends offended anyone. I have learned a valuable lesson from this and know that sometimes my actions can be unintentionally hurtful."

A Los Angeles woman has filed a class action suit against Miley Cyrus, claiming she mocked Asians in a recent photo by slanting her eyes. Price tag: $4 billion.

Lucie J. Kim claims to represent more than 1 million Asian Pacific Islanders who live in L.A. County. Kim claims when Cyrus posed for the photo, she "knew or should have known that her image would be publicly disseminated via the media, which Cyrus knew focused on her private life, specifically TMZ."

Kim says in the suit, filed Wednesday in L.A. County Superior Court, that each Asian Pacific Islander is entitled to the minimum damages for a civil rights violation -- $4,000. Add it up -- $4 billion!

Kim says Miley's "just a kid" defense doesn't fly. She says it's like Paris Hilton claiming to be just a kid. Ouch.

Miley's peeps could not immediately be reached for comment.

Some interesting comments under TMZ's posts that made me chuckle:

"So, who is surprised that Miles is now mocking ethnic groups??? She's flashed her tingly bits, moved in with a 20 year old, and generally douched up the Disney name.....All without any repercussions. I'm just shocked she wasn't in the frame when Michael Phelps was hittin the bong."

"they are just blazed! look how red those eyes are... she's obviously trying to hide hers!"

Which one is Miley? I don't recognize her in this photo.

"Who cares about the Chinese eyes. I am concerned at the fact that she is 16, and hanging out with people who are drinking. (Guy with the wine glass on the far right) Even an idiot can tell that she is clearly wasted. This isn't someone I want my young girls looking up too. "

"'I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it'--Voltaire. this is America- you can do whatever the hell you want with your eyes"

"Maybe her ponytails were really tight."

Annnd my personal favorite:

"and of course the asian dude is getting no grief for making caucasian eyes. look at him bugging them out like that."

I would just like to add while we're at it that every picture where Miley pouts her lips is offensive to me as I see she is trying to mimic blacks. :-\

Also, why did the rest of the world seem to have a more violent reaction towards Spain's basketball teams' controversial Olympic ad that the Spaniards defended as "a tribute to China" but the OCA remained calm and accepted the joke then with a big Chinese clothing line that Spain's team was signed on defending them? But its not ok with an Asian friend in this picture clearly goofing around with his friends and the OCA and other Asians are suddenly belligerent towards a 16 yr old white female? o_O

Food for thought.

Seriously guys, I think we have more problems going on in the world than children acting like children but who just happen to be famous. Let's focus on...hmm I don't know, the recession? Unemployment? Foreclosures on homes? ECOMONIC CRISISES!!! >:(