Reviving the Writing Dead

Somewhere a long the lines a very, very long time ago I realized that I no longer cared as much as I used to about writing. I used to be a very avid blogger connecting with friends from all over the world and enthusiastically pounding away at a keyboard revealing the workings of my inner psyche. I'm not exactly sure when it became less of a passion and more of a career-driven idea. And thus is my underlying problem.

I think the moment I took the step from writing for fun to writing for academic purposes I lost my will to write for the love of just writing. I lost the drive to dedicate myself to a craft I enjoyed for leisure and I started looking at it as more of a practical, money-making tool. So I stopped writing and I stopped blogging because it became like excess homework to which I had no desire to complete because it wasn't assigned a due date. Life always has an expiration date but we always assume, pretentiously, it's good until the next day.

I look back and now so much of my life has changed that I wish I had documented whether with pictures or with words. Worldly events that mattered to me, plays I loved, movies and books I enjoyed, friends and family I spent time with, romantic relationships I have encountered, all these like tectonic plates shift under me redesigning the ground I step on causing me to readjust to each step. I used to want to grasp at these precious memories as if they were a reflection in a lake I couldn't hold. Now I let the drops fall where they may and hardly recognize myself as I brave myself to look down into the water.

I feel I've lost all sense of writing as a passion. No motivation. No desire.

But when I force myself to reach for a pen or stretch my fingers over some keys it amazes me how fluidly it returns. It's as if I never abandoned it. It's as if I never stopped. It always startles me how easy the words come, the memories surface, and the reflexes in my hands drive on obsessively.

So even if I seemingly have lost my motivation to write, writing, it seems, has never given up on me. And that's refreshing because I want to embrace it like I used to. I want to be back in the arms of words and the comfort of my memories. I want to document things precious to me before it slips like hot sand through my fingers into the hourglass of life.

It's good to be back. I'm going to sit down and force the love of writing out of me and in the end I think we'll both better off. It will ultimately be for the best....

The End: Chapter 1

So I deleted my facebook. What that means is I'll probably spend more time on here construing all my lovely would-be facebook statuses into constructive paragraphs that simulate actual coherent and reasonable thought. So much has happened within the past few years:

-To quote an REM song, I nearly lost my religion.

-I moved to California on an unsuccessful whim only to move back 6 months later and lose a good friend who was my roommate over a poorly constructed living situation.

-Still sadly at the age of 26, I have not completed a basic 4 years of college at Penn State to obtain a bachelors.

-Lost my license and car

-And currently have moved back in with my mother.

Looking at the overall scheme of things, most people who do not know me well would think I'm most likely a complete loser going absolutely nowhere in life. I would almost have to agree except the problem isn't that I'm stupid or lazy. On contrary, it's because I am absolutely restless that I've made very stupid decisions and I made those stupid decisions because I've been very, very, very bored with life to the point that I never finished anything that I set out to complete due to a very short attention span. I had to keep moving constantly looking for a new thrill, new interests to flee from my problems. My biggest flaw, perhaps, was that I was a coward.



Hitting 26 last December and realizing that I am indeed getting very old really fast I reached a bit of an epiphany. I have humbled myself from arrogant youth and have done a lot of self-discovery and re-evaluation of friendships and of the things I once thought important in life. You can judge me and doubt me if you'd like and your negativity would be understandable. I would be reading this myself thinking "This girl is absolutely crazy," but if it's one thing I do hate the most it's to lose. I have lost a lot recently and I not only seek to gain back all the things I've lost from wasting so much time but I also seek to make the people who have been helpful in foddering my failure and enjoying the benefits of it seethe with anger at the very sight of my success.



Although I have had a lot of failures in the past few years, I have actually had a few small successes. For one, I have curbed my raging appetite for partying and consuming Lohan-amounts of alcohol, therefore, taming my alcoholism into normal society-acceptable consumption through moderation. I have completely quit smoking cigarettes for over a year. I smell them now and can't believe I ever indulged in such a putrid, smelly habit. I have been paying off my debts and cleaning up my credit little by little with the money I've saved living back at home with my mother. I enrolled in part-time school at a local community college so I can regain my Penn State financial aid status and then I can return this coming fall to finally complete my final 2 years and gain my bachelors (maybe the market will be better by then anyway). I found a good job at Starbucks where I enjoy what I do and the company of the people I work with and no longer have to suffer migraines from the idiocy of the general public working at that dreadful unnamed cellphone call center. And I've cut off tons and tons of unhealthy friendships that were laden with so much drama that they sapped the living daylight out of me and needed so much maintenance and care that I barely gave time or so much a thought to myself. Lastly today, I deleted my facebook removing myself from the terrible addictive pull of trivial and meaningless social networking. Not to say all social networking is bad but I found the overshare of personal information, drama, and upkeeping of facebook so unproductive, distracting, and time-consuming that for the sake of sanity I've suspended it indefinitely until I can get my life back together.



My mother always told me one thing over and over again. Ok well actually she's told me tons of things over and over but the most fresh to mind and relative to my current situation is "Friends do one of the following things. They either pull you down, drag you along, or lift you up. The type of people you surround yourself with will be the people you mirror. If you hang around successful people, you will strive for success. If you hang around people not going anywhere in life, you will be content with mediocrity." Now my mother is not the new Ghandi but this definitely to me became quite profound. Initially, I brushed it off thinking I was aware and mature enough to realize when I was being steered into such ridiculous form of peer pressure. But deeper and deeper I fell blindly into some crazy, twisted, unrecognizable life until finally I was unable to wake up and recognize myself in the mirror. I didn't recognize what I did or said. I couldn't even take myself seriously. I was a joke. Rock bottom grabbed me violently and no matter where I turned dead-end after dead-end blocked my path. I flailed around endlessly only to find that my only way out was back from where I'd came.



I guess in essence over the past year, I became the proverbial prodigal son going off squandering my inheritance wherever I pleased, doing whatever I pleased, and scanning for shortcuts to life's more complicated processes thinking there'd be happiness and success at the end of it all only to come to a halting realization that I had nothing left. There was no happiness nor success and thus I'm back to where I started grabbing at that second chance desperately. One thing I can say I've learned out of this terrible mess is that I've definitely have learned to trust myself more and other people less.



After all, who knows me better than me? I will return here often to unravel to you slowly what all has happened as life has a funny way of twisting current situations back to previous events. So here's to 2011. A more mature me. A year full of completion. A year full of dreams that will come true. A year for new beginnings and happier endings. Here's to a new volume in my life as I use this old forum to tell a new tale in which I share my proudest moments and heart-breaking disappointments, the lessons I learn from both, and the person I transform into as a result.

6/2/10 Drastic Changes and New Shooting Ranges

I cannot stand Donte's music. I'm so anti-top 40. Using my roommate Jimmie's laptop since it has a data card and I'm internetless till some more money starts rolling in. Donte, Jimmie's boyfriend, listens to the latest auto-tuned garbage and classic gay music (though he is the first gay I know to hate Cher) and fills the Itunes on this computer with the aforementioned. I just unplugged myself from the Itunes and dug up my iPod touch. I just can't blog with that junk in my ear so I'm listening to John Mayer's pre-douche days album Room for Squares (I actually own all his albums despite his douchebag days). Ironically, I wasn't going to write a full blog until the music started playing and inspired me to just go ahead and write a full blog as opposed to "hey everyone I moved, I'll update about it later" and then several more months pass by and I'm so overwhelmed with stories I just scrap all my mental material for the newest and latest event that's but 3 paragraphs long. Anyway....

So I recently packed up and moved to Sacramento, California early May. In 2 weeks I sold everything I owned including my 1st and only car and moved here with a couple of job interviews lined up (they all fell through). Basically, I'm still bachelor-less at Penn State. I was given a green light for financial aid, registered, got there, and found out that I'm still on some aid probation for dropping a class 4 years ago which was one too many classes to drop total for the amount of time I'd been registered there. My off-campus apartment was being paid by my mom for a full year and tax season came around. She asked me for the form for tuition for the taxes and I confessed to her I had no such thing because the school thing fell through. She understandably hit the roof about the amount of money she was spending in what she thought would create a stress-less academic studying environment for me even though she could barely afford it on her new salary.

I just can't stand Pennsylvania.

I know it may look like I'm running away. That I'm blaming my problems on things that I created and just realized too-little-too-late I couldn't dig myself out of. Really I just have always hated that effing state. No one I know that has stayed is doing anything successful with their lives. Professionals that have moved there stay stagnant in mediocre positions and everyone I know that has MOVED from the state was succeeding, doing really well, progressing in life. I felt stifled. I felt it was a stigma of all my depression, bad memories, identity struggles, familial chaos. I wanted a break. A clean break from everything in my past. So yeah, maybe I am running away but that's because what little sanity I had left was going to snap and send me on the brink of yet another nervous breakdown. I needed to breathe. Plus I've always dreamed of moving to California since I was 10 and I've been saying I was going to move out here for years. I was hoping with a degree but I'll work on that after I establish residency here first and re-enroll and finish my last year and a half.

It was actually my intention to move to L.A. with my partner in crime Micaela. I've mentioned Micaela in a few posts from before but since its been so long. Basically, Micaela is a kindred spirit I met in NY about 2 years back when I took a trip with my friend Steve around January to go see the Rockefeller Tree lighting. We ran into an old coworker of Steve's named Aaron who moved to NY to pursue acting with the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. Aaron invited us to a party and it was there we met a plethora of students from all across the world and quickly befriended them visiting them several times from Pennsylvania afterwards being sent party invitations from Facebook. Micaela I took to mostly because of my extreme fascination with English accents which I found out later to be Australian. I asked her a few questions about Australia and then asked if she saw the movie Australia which she claimed to then like but later after knowing each other more said she hated and was more or less trying to indulge me in conversation. She drank like a russian, hated her own kind in Australia, and liked using a heavy-handed vocabulary to insult anyone who tried to mask their own insecurities with the snidest of intentions towards her. She was a walking firecracker. I have a hunger for drama which I freely and openly admit. She appeals to me, what can I say. Anyway, I have tons of Micaela stories but I ended up deciding not to live with the crazy alcoholic australian as she didn't have her visa situation together and I have no credit to get my own apartment.

I moved in with Jimmie whom I lived with for nearly a year in New Jersey before I went away to school in August and he moved to California waiting for me to finish up there. Jimmie has a big heart and is overly generous and pretty much knows when to keep to himself. He is pretty much an ideal roommate. I ended up living with him when my mother and I were at the peak of destruction in our relationship me having to move back home temporarily after having a very irresponsible roommate who left me out to dry. He insisted I moved into the extra room in one of the houses his dad owned which he had just moved into. I reluctantly did originally not liking normally to use the charity of others. It turned out to be pleasant for the most part. We had our share of usual roommate fights but he always confided in me emotionally which he wasn't an emotional person normally. It made me feel awkward at times. I think for him the relationship was deeper for him than it was for me. I would often get creepy voicemails that would display his loneliness or eagerness for me to move in with him. He's never been good at being alone. He is 100% gay so our relationship struck some people as odd.

We planned to move to California when we had lived together in Jersey (well actually it was my idea and he decided to follow suit) and we would both save to move to L.A. together after I finished my schooling.

After the school thing fell through, I decided to move to finally move to California anyway. Jimmie decided to help me move by getting me a job interview set up where he worked. Only when I got here the original lady I had talked to and did the phone interview was no longer with the company and it was someone completely new. I had to start from scratch and got nowhere and no callback. I've been job-hunting heavily since and Jimmie is more than understanding not pressuring me for money or to get out. I've been really blessed so far.

Everyone back at home was supportive though it took my mother some time and I feel like I've finally freed myself from her expectations, her own disappointments, her own failures, her own successes. They are not my own and I feel like since establishing that we've been on a lot better terms. I feel like a lot of things I suppressed in my life that I wanted I held back because I was always told by her that it wasn't a good idea. I feel this move was healthy for several reasons and everything will work out in the end. But most of all I feel at peace for the first time in years.


I like it out here so far. I wish this blog was more structured. Its more like a stream of thoughts and feelings pouring out of me but I wanted to get it all out since again its all so overwhelming and I'm pretty decked out and tired. Just got through watching season episodes of Dexter and playing with and training our newest addition and applehead chihuahua whom we affectionately named Dexter (Jimmie's idea) Little Dexter is proving to live up to his name. He started out acting like a scared little puppy in the car whimpering and playing submissive to our already well-grown chihuahua pup Dolce. A few minutes of that front and little Dexter started kiss attacking and clawing at everyone, playfully biting, and growled at Dolce showing his real "monster within."

Cute, a little sociopathic pup.

I'll keep this more updated so it's less a pain to read...if anyone reads this anymore since I take so long to blog.

Thanks to John Mayer for the literary mental push
And thanks for anyone still reading this....

6/2/10 Drastic Changes and New Shooting Ranges

I cannot stand Donte's music. I'm so anti-top 40. Using my roommate Jimmie's laptop since it has a data card and I'm internetless till some more money starts rolling in. Donte, Jimmie's boyfriend, listens to the latest auto-tuned garbage and classic gay music (though he is the first gay I know to hate Cher) and fills the Itunes on this computer with the aforementioned. I just unplugged myself from the Itunes and dug up my iPod touch. I just can't blog with that junk in my ear so I'm listening to John Mayer's pre-douche days album Room for Squares (I actually own all his albums despite his douchebag days). Ironically, I wasn't going to write a full blog until the music started playing and inspired me to just go ahead and write a full blog as opposed to "hey everyone I moved, I'll update about it later" and then several more months pass by and I'm so overwhelmed with stories I just scrap all my mental material for the newest and latest event that's but 3 paragraphs long. Anyway.... So I recently packed up and moved to Sacramento, California early May. In 2 weeks I sold everything I owned including my 1st and only car and moved here with a couple of job interviews lined up (they all fell through). Basically, I'm still bachelor-less at Penn State. I was given a green light for financial aid, registered, got there, and found out that I'm still on some aid probation for dropping a class 4 years ago which was one too many classes to drop total for the amount of time I'd been registered there. My off-campus apartment was being paid by my mom for a full year and tax season came around. She asked me for the form for tuition for the taxes and I confessed to her I had no such thing because the school thing fell through. She understandably hit the roof about the amount of money she was spending in what she thought would create a stress-less academic studying environment for me even though she could barely afford it on her new salary. I just can't stand Pennsylvania. I know it may look like I'm running away. That I'm blaming my problems on things that I created and just realized too-little-too-late I couldn't dig myself out of. Really I just have always hated that effing state. No one I know that has stayed is doing anything successful with their lives. Professionals that have moved there stay stagnant in mediocre positions and everyone I know that has MOVED from the state was succeeding, doing really well, progressing in life. I felt stifled. I felt it was a stigma of all my depression, bad memories, identity struggles, familial chaos. I wanted a break. A clean break from everything in my past. So yeah, maybe I am running away but that's because what little sanity I had left was going to snap and send me on the brink of yet another nervous breakdown. I needed to breathe. Plus I've always dreamed of moving to California since I was 10 and I've been saying I was going to move out here for years. I was hoping with a degree but I'll work on that after I establish residency here first and re-enroll and finish my last year and a half. It was actually my intention to move to L.A. with my partner in crime Micaela. I've mentioned Micaela in a few posts from before but since its been so long. Basically, Micaela is a kindred spirit I met in NY about 2 years back when I took a trip with my friend Steve around January to go see the Rockefeller Tree lighting. We ran into an old coworker of Steve's named Aaron who moved to NY to pursue acting with the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. Aaron invited us to a party and it was there we met a plethora of students from all across the world and quickly befriended them visiting them several times from Pennsylvania afterwards being sent party invitations from Facebook. Micaela I took to mostly because of my extreme fascination with English accents which I found out later to be Australian. I asked her a few questions about Australia and then asked if she saw the movie Australia which she claimed to then like but later after knowing each other more said she hated and was more or less trying to indulge me in conversation. She drank like a russian, hated her own kind in Australia, and liked using a heavy-handed vocabulary to insult anyone who tried to mask their own insecurities with the snidest of intentions towards her. She was a walking firecracker. I have a hunger for drama which I freely and openly admit. She appeals to me, what can I say. Anyway, I have tons of Micaela stories but I ended up deciding not to live with the crazy alcoholic australian as she didn't have her visa situation together and I have no credit to get my own apartment. I moved in with Jimmie whom I lived with for nearly a year in New Jersey before I went away to school in August and he moved to California waiting for me to finish up there. Jimmie has a big heart and is overly generous and pretty much knows when to keep to himself. He is pretty much an ideal roommate. I ended up living with him when my mother and I were at the peak of destruction in our relationship me having to move back home temporarily after having a very irresponsible roommate who left me out to dry. He insisted I moved into the extra room in one of the houses his dad owned which he had just moved into. I reluctantly did originally not liking normally to use the charity of others. It turned out to be pleasant for the most part. We had our share of usual roommate fights but he always confided in me emotionally which he wasn't an emotional person normally. It made me feel awkward at times. I think for him the relationship was deeper for him than it was for me. I would often get creepy voicemails that would display his loneliness or eagerness for me to move in with him. He's never been good at being alone. He is 100% gay so our relationship struck some people as odd. We planned to move to California when we had lived together in Jersey (well actually it was my idea and he decided to follow suit) and we would both save to move to L.A. together after I finished my schooling. After the school thing fell through, I decided to move to finally move to California anyway. Jimmie decided to help me move by getting me a job interview set up where he worked. Only when I got here the original lady I had talked to and did the phone interview was no longer with the company and it was someone completely new. I had to start from scratch and got nowhere and no callback. I've been job-hunting heavily since and Jimmie is more than understanding not pressuring me for money or to get out. I've been really blessed so far. Everyone back at home was supportive though it took my mother some time and I feel like I've finally freed myself from her expectations, her own disappointments, her own failures, her own successes. They are not my own and I feel like since establishing that we've been on a lot better terms. I feel like a lot of things I suppressed in my life that I wanted I held back because I was always told by her that it wasn't a good idea. I feel this move was healthy for several reasons and everything will work out in the end. But most of all I feel at peace for the first time in years. I like it out here so far. I wish this blog was more structured. Its more like a stream of thoughts and feelings pouring out of me but I wanted to get it all out since again its all so overwhelming and I'm pretty decked out and tired. Just got through watching season episodes of Dexter and playing with and training our newest addition and applehead chihuahua whom we affectionately named Dexter (Jimmie's idea) Little Dexter is proving to live up to his name. He started out acting like a scared little puppy in the car whimpering and playing submissive to our already well-grown chihuahua pup Dolce. A few minutes of that front and little Dexter started kiss attacking and clawing at everyone, playfully biting, and growled at Dolce showing his real "monster within." Cute, a little sociopathic pup. I'll keep this more updated so it's less a pain to read...if anyone reads this anymore since I take so long to blog. Thanks to John Mayer for the literary mental push And thanks for anyone still reading this....

Mortal Thoughts Stir Suppressed Desires

I've been slacking on the blogging I know, I know. A quick few updates. I had an amazing New Years in New York City. My Penn State peep Alexandra, whom I have affectionately nicknamed the Communist since she's Russian, met my other alcoholic BFF from Australia, Micaela which resulted in a bizzare drunken make-out session that neither fully remembered (or maybe didn't want to).

I made a friend from Tajikistan who also lives in NYC over the holidays. He was a friend's ex who friend requested me on facebook because facebook "suggested me". He was a bit confused about the concept or why it requested me so he facebook chatted me asking me who I was. I knew his name from my friend's stories so I explained to him why Facebook suggested me and how I knew him. Then we made small talk about school, how he was finding the U.S., what our plans were for the holidays. He had been in NY for 2 years but didn't really know anybody. I felt kind of bad he had to celebrate NYE alone and he seemed really chill so I invited him out to hang out with me and my friends when I came down. He agreed. When I met him he was a bit intimidating. He was really tall, had intense black eyes, and a real quiet demeanor. When he told me where he was from he asked if I knew where that was, I embarassingly admitted that I did not, to which he replied with a smirk "You don't? You should know where it is if you're going to be a journalism major." Touché. It was then after that sarcastic comment that I knew we'd be best friends (if you were wondering it is in between China and Afghanistan).

I've also been 3 going on 4 months totally smoke-free! Finally. I hung a framed poster of Britney pre-baby days on my wall as a reminder to get my abs back in shape for the summer. I really wanna hit a gym. I've missed being somewhat in shape and I haven't really taken advantage of the gym facilities in my apartment complex. I've caved in a few times with a few puffs here and there after drinking heavily but usually I have great willpower. I don't miss it....usually.

I am working 2 jobs and taking classes online this semester. I'm so financially behind on EVERYTHING that I couldn't possibly go another semester like I did last semester. So I decided to do as many credits as I could take online and just work, work, work. It's going to require a lot more discipline than I'm used to forcing myself to carry out but the desperateness I feel in needing to leave Pennsylvania for good has reached beyond it's limit. I can't stay here any longer than necessary. I need to bang this last year and a half out and get over to California. My friend Jimmie, my old roommate from last year, is already checking out apartments for us to live in together. My soul has that nomadic itch I just haven't been able to scratch for too long.

I may possibly have a new guy in my life. The irony is about a few weeks ago I went through some really old blogs on xanga and I found one where he had kind of attempted to ask me out awhile ago at a Barnes & Noble but my father was there and his friends were behind him waiting so it seemed like he got nervous and walked away. I remember reading it, finding it kind of funny and wondering if he would ever try again. I had known him for about 6 yrs since I used to work at Wal-Mart and met him through our mutual friend Molly. Molly, was this short little curly red-haired girl who was absolutely adorable, but had a drinking problem that rivaled only Lindsay Lohan. I remember visiting her over the summer at her house while she was under house arrest. Anyway, I'm digressing. Nick (dude's name) came to work with us at Wal-Mart. All my friends would fight over his attention. I wasn't interested then but he was real chill so we hung out a lot. He was into music, in a band, and a drummer so he and my brother hit it off since my brother drums as well. He was very devoted to his mother who had a chronic condition that left her severely handicapped. He worked a lot to support her and dealt with his alcoholic dad who found him a constant disappointment. We lost touch for a while after we all kinda left Wal-Mart. He just got reacquainted with me on Facebook about 2 years ago. We hung out last summer a few times. He asked me out via Facebook chat if he could take me out on a date when I came back to visit home. How odd life is. We'll see how it plays out.

My views on relationships have gotten a bit skewed and I find myself more and more cynical about trusting people especially romantically. I've been single for about 3 years. My parents who have known each other since junior high school just got divorced officially in October. My mom is already seeing someone new from her church. I always had a devout religious Christian background so I always prided myself on not having sex before I was married. But over the past 10 years I've watched my parents who started out as best friends relationship unravel, I found out my mom only married my dad really cuz she was pregnant with me already and mulling it over has just kinda scared me. I realize I wasn't holding myself for marriage so much as I was just holding out not to get hurt (and pregnant because I hate kids). I kinda was settling into the mindset of being an old lady with lots of cats. But sometimes it does get rather lonely. Needless to say my beliefs aren't the same they were.

I know its kind of wrong to put my parents experiences onto fears of what will be for me but its only natural. Especially considering I always thought they had the ideal circumstances for staying together.

Anyway, I'm really determined to just move on with my life and get out of this state and really partake in things that I love. Writing, traveling, and making friends along the way from everywhere possible....so that way when I get my degree if I need to write any geographically informative articles, I'll know where most countries are.

Insomni-rant

My desire to save one's eternity sometimes grows so strong, my compassion often turns into anger and frustration. It is the curse of my love for people.

When I fail and that anger sets in it reminds me I am ill-equipped in my knowledge to use the right words, say the right things at the right times.

It is a maddening experience and a depressing fact for me.

I feel I have let people down without them knowing unable to break through their chosen ignorance. Perhaps it is arrogant and self-aggrandizing for me to think that they need my help to begin with, but I cannot command my heart's feelings as it speaks to my soul.

My super-hero complex is on a level that is insane. I can't help but fear my own fading presence into the aging future. Being totally forgotten in the ground as my body turns to dust.

As I stare out at the world, I try to take in every second even if the moment seems insignificant. It is a tiring feat. I fight constantly against my own mind, argue with my memory to linger longer on everything my eyes set upon. When it fails, I feel its missing piece glaring at me like a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle. It is small compared to the thousand there, but that one piece is significant in finishing the complete picture.

I grow older, time grows wiser. But I still try to hold on to what is left of my fleeting youth. I envy the eyes of a child who's excitement grows with every new and little experience. I always try to look for the next best thing and run away from my responsibilities hoping to stay in the presence of my childhood a little longer. But the world turns and pushes me out onto my feet and turns the warm grass into cold, dark asphalt. Reality sets in. I am going to age and dye. It is a learning process trying to grow. And it is painful.

It is fearful aging

It is terrifying to fail.

But I tire of the childish things.

Alas my new adventure will be to conquer fading memory and find a way to immortalize myself by changing this world. I want to take those I love with me but deep down know I cannot. This is my venture. My journey. My fear.

For I fear mortality more than anything.

I find.....

Human beings are evil, conceited things confined to their own unnerving habits filled with narcissism and selfishness.

And I am enslaved to the mind of one, guilty of the same pleasures of indulgence and self-fulfillment.

When I come to this realization and catch myself, I am shamed in my own skin. I am ashamed of what I am. I try to evolve. I try to become something more highly advanced. And there are times I even convince myself I'm better than all humankind and beyond such thoughts and that my cause and purpose is so much greater than the human race itself. But I soon settle down in my arrogance only to discover that I've only sunk deeper and lower into those very same intemperate thoughts which I claimed to denounce as uncivilized. It humbles me and I realize that I am lowest on the totem pole. I am the most primitive of all beings.

I try and I try to break free of the fate that chains my mind but....

Sometimes the struggle drives me mad......