Wow...who knew: An Internet Hypothesis Gone Uniquely Different

Ok. I am a DORK! I found out about this girl a while ago named Tila Tequila who basically made her fame over being the first bitch to have a million friends on myspace (now over 2 million) but allow me to defend myself. At first look one would think she was a soft-core porn star:





But this wasn't and isn't the case.

My interests were not piqued by her sexuality nor her talent (which is debatable yes I know), however I will admit she does seem to interestingly enough resemble a perky, real live anime character which amuses me somewhat



...actually a lot. I always wanted to meet an anime character in real life ^.^;;




But I digress. I also followed her as an experiment and out of sheer personal fascination. To see how big one could become using a public domain such as MySpace to catapult themselves to the brink of celebrity-like fame and the results are ASTONISHING.

Current picture:



I don't remember how I came across her. I think I was watching a brief newsclip of her somewhere on the Net. This was after she had gained over a million friends. I had never heard of her though she looked familiar. Apparently, according to the interview, she'd been on magazine covers. I decided to log into myspace and she was easy enough to find with a myspace music page (if that's what one would call it). I added her and put her on my top. I tested my friends quizzing them about the mysteriously popular woman no one seemed to know anything about. Only one friend had vaguely heard of her. I followed Tila. Researched her in blogs and websites. The opinions are about as mixed as Paris Hilton's followers. Either loved or hated. I even came upon this twisted, disturbingly demented beginning of her auto-biography through wikipedia that has left me dangling and which I cannot seem to find the rest of anywhere.

I became addicted, fueled by a jealous rage that one could reach such appetizing fame in such a short time. My media project ate at my head.

In just a matter of months after I discovered her, Tila has launched a few websites creating for herself an empire consisting of a gambling site, a clothing line site, her own independent record label (which the CD has been impending for months but 2 singles are available on iTunes), modeling, a spot in Time Magazine about Internet Entreupeneurs, a few cameos in movies (most recently Chuck and Larry), interviews with late night show hosts like Jimmy Kimmel and David Spade, and now her own groundbreaking bi-sexual dating reality show (a first for any network) on MTV called A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila.

WHEW what a YEAR! or two.

So now with her newly re-launched website now up I decided to sign up for a profile on www.tilashotspot.com and start an interesting forum topic to finally tally up my results from the frothing Tila Fans and challenge them in their thinking to discover their true opionions underneath "TILA IS HAWT DON'T MAKE FUN OF HER ASSHOLE!!!" mentality....it is there i came upon a refreshingly intelligible young man named Kaijen who replied to my post. He is the only one as of yet though the forum post is fresh I did not expect such a response and I admit my responses are a bit run-on and cloudy as it is 6am in the morning and I have yet to fall asleep since I returned from work at 1am:

My forum post was this and titled:

Internet Killed The Movie Star

"With the obviously huge following of this show it is utterly amazing to see how someone can rise to the occasion from merely posting their heart and life onto the internet and through that becoming a phenomenal star and starting a franchise. It seems it doesn't always require the best talent or the best skills or the best looks. It seems all it takes now is sheer determination and perseverance and dedication and also staying true to who you are. Sometimes that's all the attraction that's needed to have a following because so many people seem lost in themselves that they forget what their true potential can be. That's not to say that Tila isn't talented or beautiful (I very much believe she is both) but let's face it, there are people out there with even more talent and beauty. Yet it is Tila that is currently put on a pedastal as an honest, kind-hearted self-made celebrity who basically made her fame by just being who she is. I find it fascinating that one such as Tila has basically developed her familiarity and popularity to the public over a world-wide public domain such as MySpace and through that gathered a huge widely-spread demographic of friends that pushed for her stardom. What is everyone's take on this and do you guys see other Internet stars rising to the occasion and being a trendsetter in more ways than one (i.e. the first bi-sexual reality dating show)? And what do you feel it says about our country and our generation? Is it so easy to become a celebrity or a trendsetter these days? Or does it take something more? What would you do with that power?"

The young man Kaijen, who is a young aspiring actor in L.A., responded:

"Honestly, this is a pretty big deal. I mean, it really shows the trend our generation is taking. The Internet is no longer just a place to go and look at adult images; people can use it to turn their entire lives around. The online world reaches out to the real world and really has an effect. Tila's success mirrors other aspects of online life, such as internet dating where people who never would have met in real life can find each other through the Internet. Another fine example would be YouTube where a silly video of a prarie dog giving a "dramatic look" to a camera draws in Jay Leno-type numbers. I think we'll be seeing more celebrities being born from Internet fame as time passes on. It's not really EASY to become a trendsetter or celebrity, but advantages being given to people across the world via the internet make it a level playing field. People no longer have to rush to Hollywood in order to find success. Gatekeepers on the entertainment industry are being blown past by people uploading home-made videos about (for example) Darth Vader's brother working in a grocery store, or any number of things without a need to have them screened by some listless teenager drudging through submitted screenplays. I think Tila's just one of the pioneers of what's soon to become quite typical."

My Response to the Response:
Wow, very interesting outtake. I almost absolutely agree. However, don't you think with such easy access to internet platforms such as Myspace, that help to make yourself known and advertise yourself out there to massive groups at once for free, that stars such as Tila will spread like wildfire from these mediums? And that the media industry will be become so overflown with 15 min stars (because it's so easy to reach high-access levels of fame so quickly over the Net) that this will eventually cause a general disinterest in people who gain their fame in the Internet forum and also that this will result in the flat-lining the entertainment industry altogether because it would have relied on an quickly-rotting formula? The true question is who will keep their fame and use it well. Sure home videos and the like give people recognition (like the infamous 'Leave Britney Alone" Chris Crocker on YouTube) but no one is doing anything with their life or influencing othersy posting Darth Vader spoofs and goofy looking animals.

His Response:
I think that the jump to stardom through the internet is just like getting a 15 minute window of fame through other mediums. People who really have something to bring to the table and aren't just one-hit-wonders will go on to become true successes. There are plenty of "where are they now?" celebs already who peaked early and then fell off the radar, so I don't really see why it would be any different here. I wouldn't say things like the Darth Vader spoof really influence anyone's life, but it's a sign of change. Normally, in order to get something produced and screened before a wide audience, you'd have to do whatever you could to get noticed in Hollywood. You might have to have connections, or money, or political pull, or SOMEthing. But now, all you need is some free time, a camera, and access to some sort of movie editing computer software. The same can be said for animation. People are and have been using Macromedia Flash and other animation software programs to create their own animation rather than sending storyboards off to Korea or China or Japan and paying large sums of money. Computers and the Internet in general are changing the way people view entertainment of all sorts. Sure Darth's brother isn't going to change anyone's lives, but perhaps his creator will find success beyond the Internet as a result of the attention his amatuer works have receieved.

My Response:
Yes, I definitely see how it makes it easier in a sense. Anything simply not technology is outdated. I remember in elementary school them wasting their time teaching us to learn that God-forsaken Dewey decimal system which is about as ancient now as the pyramids of Egypt. Internet is allowing easy access to a lot of things both good and bad and one-hit-wonders do seem to exist no matter what the medium. The Internet is definitely affecting all types of media as you stated and the entertainment industry has access to it more easily without having to work hard to find the "next big thing". Everything's growing at such a fast and alarming rate and more and more people are trying to catch up. Working at a tech center for Tmobile I can't tell you how many calls I get from people that don't even have email addresses or internet in their homes but want to use a blackberry or other PDA device. Facebook is now creating an application on Blackberries that will allow you to do everything through the mobile browser that you would on a computer including uploading pictures and videos from your phone onto the site. We're getting quicker access to everything media and more in a matter of seconds.

Maybe it's just me being afraid of change at such a fast rate but I can't shake the sense of impending doom and backfiring of this whole internet-taking-over-the-world thing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I underestimated Tila's fans and her purpose of having a following.

I have severly and l33tly b33n p4wn3d. Kaijen and I FYI are friends now on tilashotspot.com.

Sad yes.

If you're interested in following the rest of this thread (I don't believe you need to register unless you're posting) you can find it here.

For now....I will get some sleep. My eyes hurt. It is both a gift and a curse my deep thinking is done so late. Gift cuz of the peace and quiet, Curse of the insomnia that creaks within my bones. But before I go I will tell you a deeply kept secret.....I bought Tila's first Single "I Love You" on iTunes and it is frickin' crazy. I love it :) You can listen to it free on her myspace site: www.myspace.com/tilatequila.

Nite Kiddies!!!

Revisiting The Mirrors

I posted this a while ago, almost 2 years ago maybe longer, on my Xanga site. The again with some tweaks on MySpace about 1 yr ago. I feel it still kinda resonates with me with some youthful hopes that seem to sound silly in philosophy at parts (ok maybe a lot of parts). But don't we all hold on to childish dreams to some extent and hope secretly one day they'll mature?:


Our mortality brings us one step closer to death and fear one step closer to life. It is fear of dying that ignites the desire for me to take actions that will cause immortal change.

People have asked me "What do you want to do with a major in journalism?"

To be the voice of a thousand. Or to change a thousand. Words are the most instrumental tools one can use to change a universe. They say laughter is contagious. Passion is just as pandemic. It eats at the spirit like an incurable flesh eating disease consuming the body from the inside out. Over the years our morality standards have slipped silently into the shadows of unspeakable sins causing to surface diseases without cure, disturbing statistics of death and their causes, and our aenesthization towards harmful and violent things. I want to call attention to them. Through words I can make others think twice about their actions and motivate change. Real change.

The voice of this generation has been marred by the mistakes of the previous ones and decompose our attempts at a necessary revolution as well as create uncertainty in the lives of the future generations. I have seen the corruption destroy those close to me. Through drugs, alcohol, and the search of acceptance through sexual promiscuity, all of these have become socially acceptable and have even become the norm though they continue to eat away at the conciousness and soul. Any small steps taken towards construction have been detoured. Our seemingly important triumphs are scattered and incohesive blurring into insignificance causing little or no effect on anything but our immediate environments. This is where I want to come in and call others to join in for a great cause.

The words of great leaders, prophets, and philanthropists have lived on for centuries, their full power untapped. We learn about them as little more than dead wise men in our english and history classes. Their actions and voices remain muffled under our own human selfishness and conceit. Few are touched deeply by them. But it is in those few the fire of passionate change continues to ember in people like me and perhaps even you reading this that will cause us to recognize the mistakes of the human existence give us the ability to change the 'now' into a greater 'next.' Hope still glows. Peace's dove still flies with olive branch intact. And Love still conquers. Though their achievements seem small individually their effects still spreads in us collectively. If we remain observant, still, and listen to our hearts, the faint beat of our determination can set forth the march of a new drummer...and another....and another....

Sex Sells. Sex Sells Votes

I remember just years ago reading an article on Drew Barrymore encouraging people to vote and wearing a "Politics is Like Sex. Protect Yourself. Vote." T-Shirt.

The shirt was quick, get-to-the point, and grabbed your attention. It was also true.

The idea of "Sex Sells" has caused years of controversey blending the lines of what's appropriate, what's necessary, and what's our personal right. From the exploitation of the female gender, to public indecency, to the now easily-accessible loss of innocence of children, there are times when the label has made it's mark (usually of negative influence) in both history and law.

If America wasn't so taboo about the subject and sex-crazy whenever any display of sexual nature appeared such measures wouldn't be necessary to get the much needed attention of important issues. There are times I, too, agree it's necessary. In 2004, when this article and t-shirt came around, it was a critical time when we were at war and economically struggling as a country. We recovered from terrible tragedy after tragedy joining our hands together as one to rebuild from the horrific 9-11 disaster that forever changed our world and state of minds. The 2004 election was one of the most important elections to have come around since, well for me, arguably Abraham Lincoln's.

Now having gone through another four years of war, four years of detruction, four years of little done for improvement and rebuilding of our economy, this election is just as critical.

Soooo, where am I going with this?

Sex Sells Votes of course.

Last week, a group of people decided to gather around and create a music video now supporting candidates. In particular (the start of the trend anyway) Amber Lee Ettinger and BarelyPolitical.com productions have come up with a new way to reach the MTV generation (haha I use that loosely) with a music video about love....

Yes love not just of politics but of the politicians themself.

Check out "I Gotta Crush On Obama"



I swear what will they think of next. It's unbelievable the amount of attention being received from this video.

Obama's campaign said they had no affiliation with this project.

So having pushed the envelopes of everything else, why not politics?

Vote 2008.


Wanna know more about Obamagirl and support his campaign. Get some t-shirts and read up at www.barelypolitical.com!

Suicide or Homicide?: The Possible Tragic Death of A Talent

Omg, Lindsay Lohan is going to die.
"I was really sick. I had people sit me down who said, 'You are going to die if you don't take care of yourself.'" she was quoted saying after her first rehab stint.
You can see the raggedness of aging appearing on her face from nights of partying, hard-liquoring, and now cocaine use. It's given her a hard look at such a young age.

Say it ain't so!
Regardless of what you may think of Lindsay personally, the girl's got acting chops.

Who else can switch between the role of parent and child so quickly in Freaky Friday? Or play the misunderstood anti-hero in Mean Girls and still make you empathize and cheer for her? And need we forget the start of it all as the adorable little girl in the remake of The Parent Trap?

So why do people put up with the party-hardy, stuck-up starlet?

Felicity Hauffman and Jane Fonda had put up with the young diva arriving constantly late on the set of her new movie "Georgia Rule". Felicity was quoted saying Lindsay's performance in the movie will make people forget all about her misbehavior on the set. Shirley MacLaine who is starring in and producing a new movie called "Poor Things" featuring Lohan and Rosario Dawson and recently sent a letter out stating they're willing to work around Lindsay's rehab schedule.

MacLaine and her fellow producer on the film, Rob Hickman, issued a statement expressing support for the 20-year-old actress. "In the spirit of helping Lindsay Lohan and her rehabilitation, we have been asked by Lindsay to comply with her wishes to continue working on 'Poor Things,"' they said. "We are trying to rearrange the shooting schedule to facilitate her working at the end of the shoot to coincide with the completion of her rehabilitation. We wish her love and the blending of mind, body and spirit." Jane Fonda sang the girl's praises recently on Larry King talking about how it was working on the set of the new movie "Georgia Rule":

KING: Speaking of that, a role you might have taken 50 years ago is your granddaughter Lindsay Lohan. What was it like working with her?

FONDA: She breaks my heart.

KING: Meaning?

FONDA: Meaning, her talent runs so deep. She has an ability to access her emotions and what I can only surmise has been a really difficult, complicated life and she can bring it up and use it in a role like this. I think she will blow people away. She blew me away while we were working. I have seen the movie twice now and I feel like I have been kicked in stomach by a horse by her performance. It just blows me away. And she's a good girl.

KING: Georgia makes the rules, by the way. Lindsay Lohan came in for some negative publicity. She was in fact criticized by the CEO of Morgan Creek Productions, James Robinson, who produced the movie, chiding her for lateness and partying and immaturity. What's your read on Lindsay?

FONDA: "She turned 20 on this movie. Lest we forget, this is a very young person who's had a very difficult life, who has been famous since she was 12. And being famous now is not like when I was young, the scrutiny, the paparazzi, the every move you make, you know, she's in a really difficult situation. And she handles it -- I think she handles it really well."I don't know about her private life. All I know is that when she showed up for work, she was totally brilliant. And for most of the time when I was working with her, she was on time. There were one or two days she was late and I got mad at her. I went into her trailer and told her to get her ass on the set and left. And she said to her makeup person, "Barbarella just yelled at me." She's got a sense of humor. "

So is it a cry for attention? The media blowing things out of proportion? Or poor lack of grounded support in the young girls life?

She's been hospitalized from over exhaustion, admitted to an eating disorder, and now the more recent drug revelation showing her snorting lines of cocaine. What do her parents make of this? "Lindsay needs to let God into her life." her father now a prison minister has said. But who would take Mr. Lohan's advice having been in and out of jail for assault and money fraud? "It's something all teenagers go through." say her mom, who parties just about as hard as her daughter and is also mostly photographed with alcohol in hand looking trashed. When asked about how her daughter is holding up with the cocaine tape circulating she shows no concern about her daughter but more about the videographer.

“We’re not reading anything about it. You can’t let it bother you. We work so hard, then some girl just tried to make money off her [for that tape]. Lindsay doesn’t even know who her friends are."

Yeah Dina, nevermind your daughter is a crackhead on her way knocking at the door of death.

Rosie O' Donnell's view on LiLo's mom seems more accurate if anything, "It's just sad to me that when your daughter is obviously struggling with some addiction issues, the mother is posing with champagne in the back of "Vanity Fair" and doing interviews on the red carpet."

The media has caused LiLo to crash several Benzes and it seems the paparazzi have partially driven the young starlet into insanity. Yet Lindsay was once quoted saying about the paparrazi "I wouldn’t ever want them to not take my picture. I’d be worried. I’d be like, 'Do people not care about me?'" A desperate cry for help perhaps having lived her life, faults and all under the media microscope.

Going into rehab a 2nd time, it's unlikely it'll be a stable recovery. "I don't know that I'm necessarily an addict." LiLo's said.

Unfortunately, Lindsay still doesn't have the best people looking out for her interests. Her 21st birthday party in July 2nd is still scheduled to be in Vegas. And apparently, she doesn't have any plans to cancel despite her rehab. Lohan's lawyer, Mike Heller, sniped at skepticism that his client should not be going to nightclubs or having massive parties given her current situation. "Just because you’re sober doesn’t mean you can’t go out and have fun. Part of sobriety is that you can go out into normal society and just go out. Who say’s you can’t move your boot on the dance floor?" Heller asked.

Are these people serious? Between Lindsay's messed up parents and this guy no wonder she has no discipline. Too much money, too young. It's a shame.

BTW, I loved the reports from the police stating they "refused to comment on Lohan's blood alcohol content."

Geez, I can only imagine....

Media Manipulation: Reality or Perception?

Perhaps celebs are telling the truth about the media making them look bad and not revealing who they really are. The humdrum sing-song chorus of "Yeah-yeah-whatever" from us mere mortals seems to be put in a position of correction. Having watched the premeire of God knows what season of Simple Life, I found myself once again hooked on the hilariously rude but kind-hearted pair as they helped a camp of fatties try to lose weight, then after much complaining about the food at the health camp decided to attach the camp director's car to the locked up fridge in the barn and break it open (unsuccessfully to say the least). What can I say about these 2? It's more of a love-to-hate relationship with Americans. I personally just love 'em. Here in this clip they bonded with the overweights at a bon-fire and entered into a deep (at least for their standards) discussion. I found this interesting because 1) I've always wondered how the media labeling weight issues so easily on these celebrities effects their mindset and 2)Nicole actually comes off intelligent and makes valid points. I guess I found this shocking because all the media ever portrays of these two is being stupid, slutty, party girls when really other than having been born into money they're no different from us (okay so forget the Paris porn tapes). I found this show more or less humanizes them. And aren't celebrities after all just like us? Humans? One of the women at the camp asked how Nicole dealt with the media and their scrutinizing of her eating habits:

The Beginnings of the Beginning: End of Introduction

I'm finding more and more of myself as time pushes me forward whether I want it to or not. My parents are shoving adult decisions down my throat I've been shirking and have been afraid to admit up until now; I guess I'm not as growed up as I thought.

I realized I really couldn't live entirely on my own at this point in my life. It makes me angry, bitter, pissed really. I don't like relying on people. I hate asking for help. But my pride has gotten me into enough garbage that I can no longer pick out anything valuable in its junkyard.

I need to suck it up and hustle.

I'm financially getting no where in my goals and at this point it looks like my grad date will be at the age of 25. I feel my sanity slipping away here and my potential withering in the state of Pennsylvania. My parents ask me what's wrong.

I'm restless. I have to move. I have to impress. I have to make something of myself. I've done nothing but live vicariously through the ideals and inspirations of others. I finally wanna take over the shoes and walk the hell out of them.

That being said I have $5K I need to pay off to Penn State before I can get my education mojo back on.

Time for a 2nd job.

God help me I've never been this productive in my life. Here's to firsts, fresh starts, and new beginnings.

Que end of intro...

Isn't It Obvious?

I figured out something about myself. I have a very short attention-span for certain types of bullshit.
There are 2 types of people that bother me entirely too much in this world.

1)People who miss the obvious constantly.
2)People who refuse to accept the obvious.

"Yes, but WHY?" I'll find myself asking someone constantly about their actions. They either babble on about everything BUT why or won't even pretend to care to know. If you don't even know why then there's really no point in talking about it let alone making a half-way decent conversation.

I guess this is why I'll never score high on my calls for empathy. I don't care how you feel. What's the problem, let me figure out why your phone is not working, fix it. No BS, no sugar coating, no tissues to wipe your eyes. My apology to you is fixing your broken phone (that you probably did something really fucked-up settings-wise to begin with) and sayoonara. My bosses want me to give the bullshit. You'd actually be surprised at how many people prefer this instead of my above method.

And then they talk on forever.

It's extremely hard to be empathetic to a problem you've been hearing back-to-back-to-back-to-back. Anyway where was I going with this.

So why? People do things so blindly these days. Whenever I bring why up people say "I don't know." Why don't you know? Is it really because you don't know or that you don't want to know?

It's insane. Why are you staying with this person? Why don't you feel you deserve better? Why don't you work on it? Why don't you do something about this?Why? Why?

Why won't people question why? We're not soldiers. We're not robots.

I guess I was always a rather inquisitive child. If a teacher didn't have an answer as to why things were the way they were deep down in my mind I didn't give it anymore importance as the carved-in designs written in pen by other students on my school desk.

Probably why I wasn't and will never be very fond of math.

Probably a good thing too my mom is such a book-smart woman that not only can she tell me why, she can usually give me the entire history dating back from 1802 for the creation of the reason.

I love that.

With Love, Signed Sarcasm

I find my mind is oozing with more and more sarcasm these days. I seem to be making more and more friends from it though I'm not sure why. I crack racial stereotypical jokes at myself, my friends, my family even. People seem to love it and think I'm awesome. I'm not trying to brag or come off conceited. Seriously, these are first words coming out of new people I've met lately "Ohmigod, you're awesome!" I have yet to offend anyone. I wish I could. Then it would spark some type of confrontation. A good debate even. Maybe I'm just feeling aggressive cuz Aunt Flow's visiting right now.

I was talking to an online friend who is an amazing writer and whose blog I've been reading for a good 5+ years give or take. She's 28 in CA, and a free-lance journalist, a little unsure in the department of love, but smart as hell. She was stumbling back between liking this guy and blaming herself.

"I feel a chunk of it is my fault." she IM'ed. "That I was too neurotic and needy."

"Being neurotic and needy is part of being in relationships." I replied, "you're always going to wonder about things and crave affection from the other person. i don't think you're needy. i think you know what you want deep down but can't seem to find it so it's making you nervous in wondering if you'll ever find it"

"I feel the same way" I said.

"Wow, that totally hit the nail on the head." she said.

More and more we got into conversation about the world, worry, life, love, and work.

"That's so weird." she said. "You're saying all these things that I've had conversations about in the past few days.... almost verbatim."

"Well, I guess that's confirmation then. Either that or I'm your long lost sibling with more of a tan." I joked

Having never been in a real relationship, I sometimes feel a bit silly trying to give relationship advice to someone. I feel like I don't know how it really is so that I'm missing some important factor that people will say "Oh. She doesn't really understand." but everytime I give the advice people take it for sound.

"I've seen enough of the ups and downs to get the gist of it." I argued my stance, more for myself really. "it's easy to tell when somethings feels right or wrong. People know too. They just choose not to listen to their gut. They overthink it way more than they should."

I'm not sure if I was of any help to her, but I hoped she was ok afterwards. She seemed rather down.

I find my brain is best at picking others. Sometimes better than trying to decipher what's in my own mind. I sit down and think about a lot of different things and situations. I guess it might be part of my bi-polarity. I don't even know if that's a word but sometimes silly ones are the best words to describe something. I wonder sometimes what I'd do if I didn't have anything to fret over. My imagination is often very vivid and sometimes fools even my own reality. That said, there are days when I will take notice of it but choose to live in the fantasy of the creative lies crafted beautifully in my head rather than to face uncomfortable truths.

"The world is too insane for anyone to stay sane." I told her.

I am excited about one thing today. My hair is growing like 'whoa!' right now. It feels like just yesterday the roots were straight. I went to pick up a curling iron and a lot of it seems wavy and getting knappy at the roots already. My hair used to be all the way down my back until I ran into a bad hairdresser a few years ago and it hasn't really grown back that length since so that's kind of exciting. I think because I've been eating a lot more. When the summer hits and the weather gets warmer I start to eat like crazy. I would like to get in shape this summer. Not lose fat-wise, but my endurance and stamina are terrible. I will try to quit smoking. It will be hard, but I'll try and put my mind to it. I'd like to run again. It felt so good running 6 miles a day.

And I can't believe I just said that. Even worse, I recorded it in a blog. Mark this historical day.

Has The Lion Lost it's Teeth?

An old expression my mom used to use. She's from Trinidad and they have the wittiest phrases. She kind of annoyed me tonight. I was a bit depressed and upset about a bunch of things. I'm stressed, and smoking more, and I got hit on by a fairly attractive gothic gay girl last night who insisted I was gay and was quite agressive. "No one is f***ing with you tonight." she said as she approached me from behind in the seat I was sitting in last night at the gay club trying to ignore her. She wrapped her arms around me, gave me a smooch and walked away before my slowly responsive drunk ass could protest. It was flattering if not awkward, but if I were gay she'd kind of scare me.

Kyle admitted he loved me but couldn't be with me cuz he was gay. "I don't know what I'd do without you in my life. You're seriously the most awesome person ever and I think about you, like all the time. If I were gay I'd totally go out with you."

"Well, thank you. I'm not sure how to take that."

He hugged me. Twice his head landed on my boob.

"Your head is on my boob."

"It's ok. I'm gay."

".........ok if you say so."

I had had about 2 very strong cranvodkas that night. We all got pretty much plastered.
An hour later me, him, L.Ziggy and Mylez hit the dance floor gyrating each other in a drunken mad frenzy.

So the events of Thursday night were needless to say interesting and I got hit on by my first lesbian. I felt it was worth blogging.

Now on to the subject of this title. Obviously, my bi-polar mind had quite a bit to think about and adjust to along with a lingering hangover. The first call I got this morning my mother and I got into another argument which I no longer remember specifically what about (they occur so frequently they become a blur) but ultimately I ended up having to go get her bank card and drive it down to a restaurant where she was having a luncheon with potential clients. Grumbling the whole way to myself in the car, I got there and she decided she wanted to talk over some sushi.

Damn her and her knowledge of my weaknesses. She discussed getting me a life insurance plan and how she met clients my age who had 1 at 21 and had thousands of tax-free dollars to spend and take out a loan on. I gawked.

"I could do it for you. But you need to quit smoking for at least 2 years or the premium would be high."

Ah, the catch.

"It shows up in your urine for up to two years. If you smoked pot it wouldn't be considered a fatal factor." she continued.

I raised my eyebrows. Where was she going? That I should replace my cancer agent with another type of drug?

"But I believe that pot burns brain cells. Still if you were back on your anti-depressants like Wellbutrin because they find that people who take those meds tend not to smoke."

Dramatic pause.

"I don't like the meds," I said, "I don't like the way they make me feel. He tried 3 different types at 3 different levels each. Even with Wellbutrin the side-effects weren't as severe but I felt like crying at times for no reason at all. I don't want to be on them anymore."

"But you said they were working before. They were helping you with school."

"And they were but after awhile I just felt over-emotional about everything for no reason. "

We went into a discussion about the gum and patch, I argued it didn't work. She stated my friends smoke and do I think I can quit cold turkey, I admitted they did and I could quit but part of me doesn't want to so I don't set my mind to it and continue to do it. She assimilated it with her dieting experience and wanting to work out, blah blah blah. Then she gave me that cocked-head-to-the-side-worried look I hate where she purses her mouth into a half smile with worry and pity in her eyes.

I hate that look.

Much drama ensued throughout the day.

Finally, she came back talking about how she wanted to quit her job. I kind of ignored her. Only because my mother NEVER talks about quitting anything. Her perseverance is amazing. I browsed the net and tried to start a convo about Sandra Bullock's 45 yr old stalker trying to run Jesses James over with her car. She seemed annoyed. I was annoyed. So I went out and drank till I was just sober enough to drive home. I started crying on my way back. Not really sure why at first but then I realized how serious this could be. I came back home and told her we needed to talk.

"I've never heard you ever say 'quit' so I guess at first I was ignoring it." I said, "But you are the most intelligent person I know. Whenever I come to you about things I've learned you'll give me the whole history. At first, I find it rather upsetting cuz I find this great piece of knowledge and you don't seem impressed." I half joked.

"I'm not the smartest person. You're just saying that because you're young." she said.

"But it is true. I know you don't believe me. Anyone can ask you any question about anything and you'll know so much. I always think if I have at least 1/3 of your knowledge I'd be so well off. But to see you this way, a very intelligent woman who graduated from Boston University. No stable parent in your life that ever showed you encouragement or approval. You just went out and did it. And you succeeded."

"Well I'm not going to let one person affect how I do in life." she replied.

"Yeah but if that person is a parent, I mean like your mom, it's got to affect you. I mean, you alway try to encourage me. Even when I talk about Japan or whatever the case may be you still encourage me to do and try things. It's because of you I try so hard to do well in school at all. If you were to just quit over one bad day, I feel like then the world wouldn't give me much of a chance. You really inspire me to get out there and try. I have never seen you want to quit anything when it got hard. Even when you worked with The Children's Home (a place where kids are put in as wards of the state, kind of a juvenille delinquent place) when those kids threatened violence and cursed at you and tried to abuse you every way possible, you hung in there. You ministered to them, you helped them, you made an impact. And all these people that contributed time and money into you because they believed you could do this job, mom. It's all about perception. You know that."

We talked a little more about stuff. She seemed to feel a bit better and I relieved. We joked about a few things then went to bed.

My mother is an amazing woman. Even though we have our differences I made it a point to tell her that even though I don't always take her advice I do listen and think about it.

I think we'll both be all right.

What now?

While I miss the true art of photography I'm afraid it's something my eyes can only envy and my hand cannot duplicate. That said my digital camera sucks. So I'm getting a new one.

Yesterday, I was in the car talking to myself (as I always do) smoking a cig and mimicking the djs of the radio stations. They're over-enthusiastic gabber and quick 1 hit punch lines allowed me to come up with a new term.

"The 5 minute sexy"

I don't know how I came upon it really. I was blabbing on about how I did my hair in five minutes before leaving for work then I said "You know, so I'm feelin' 5 minute sexy right now!" I said it so that my voice kinda squealed on the "sexy" part and it made it kinda cool cuz I had also just woken up not that long ago before heading out so my voice was raspy. It was a revolutionary moment for me. An Epiphany. I decided I want to do radio. But I still love writing and want to stay in journalism. Maybe a double major? I don't know. My blog here just made me lose 10 IQ points...I apologize to those who got brainaches just now. I admit I am truly insane. Small things excite me and I am amused all too easily. Like the time me and my friend Laura had a fascination with burning a pile of dry grass at the park across the street with lighters and rubbing the soot in between our fingers.

You're probably not feeling sexy right now let alone 5 minute sexy. I guess you had to be there.

Another loss of IQ points is me discovering you can't add "friends" on blogger. Hey, it's fine with me. I write for me anyway. No one ever comments on what I say here or anywhere really. Myspace kids are obsessed with adding friends and changing layouts. Xanga seems an empty shell....either that or if you're on the homepage writing about vtech you're getting bombarded by ridiculous commentators who you wish would leave you alone and make your xanga an empty shell. I'd rather the former, too.

My friend Missy came back from Okinawa last weekend. Shockingly having lived there a year she didn't even know basic Japanese greetings or experienced the refreshing taste of sushi. This disappointed me. I guess military bases down there are in their own bubble. Her hubby should be coming up in a few months, too. Poor Missy has had some hella SEVERE morning sickness. She's been hospitalized before for it and right now is throwing up a lot. The baby is screaming all the time. Missy can't breast feed it some days because she's too weak so they're trying to give her a break by giving the baby formula in a bottle. Baby Abby isn't too down with that. Luckily for me I sleep like a rock anyway.

I'm running uber late in paying Kaif for this laptop....money he's using to go to see another one of his boytoys in Maryland but hey as long as I'm paying him whatever billing guy comes to get the money at that point is his business to handle.

I get a $200 bonus check today so I'm buying a new digital camera since mine seems to have washed away, parts scattered in the 7 seas of the storage bin after the move. It's a shame. I had an incredibly crisp picture of my side profile in my camera that I can't even use because I don't have the usb cable or the software. My camera hardly takes crisp pictures. More like soggy rice crispy pictures where everything droops and blurs. I really like those Sony Cybershots...they're refreshingly clear. I think I'm going to get one of those.

I'm going to a gay club again tonight with my friends Kyle, Myles, and Lizzy. Don't sound like your usual suspects of alcoholic club-goers but boy do you not know the LMK trio. I'm not gay but I go because Kyle gets so trashed he begins to buy me drinks and speak slurred jibberish that I think is cute and funny even though he'll tell the same story 15 min later, not remember, and when I gently remind him he just told me said story, he laughs in shock and says "Really? I don't even remember telling you that!" Then he'll buy me a drink or won't want his anymore (cuz he'll be too plastered) and I get free alcohol for the most part. The cycle will continue through the night. Speaking of gay, I guess I better get a move on before Kaif yells at me and misses getting his bus ticket.

Severity of Ignorance: The True Tragedy of V-Tech

I love blogging and I love debating. All of you should know I post more serious blogs on other websites. Some are personal, others political, some a mixture of both. I do not advertise them often. Here I like to sit back and talk to friends. But now is not a time for silence.

It seems I angered or aroused a few curious heads on another blog of mine about the Vtech incident. I have remained mostly quiet about the situation until I saw the discriminatory acts and comments on asians posting their concern about the incident on their blogs. In light of recent events and seeing as these are the type of issues I want to address in my writing career I realize I cannot stay quiet any longer on this situation.

This will not be a nice blog.
Some of what I might say may be seen as racist. These are simply facts that someone who has not gone through as nearly as much of a tortured history cannot understand. White people do NOT understand racism the way they think they do. They will never experience it on a level that other races have.

To all my friends, you know I am not racist but some of what I have lived through, what my family has lived through, what my ancestors have lived through will not appeal to you because it is something you absolutely cannot understand and will have no way of ever doing so. This is not a generalization of all whites, but most and even the most unassuming ones harbor the most bizarre racist beliefs as I have come to find out seeing no harm but surprisingly even truths in the ignorant statements.

If you feel you need to address me in anyway I only ask so that you do so diplomatically and argue your point justly so. I may not agree, but I will listen. And if you take offense then perhaps it is the uncomfortability of the perceived truth you fear. You may need to examine your own heart and mind. It will not be an easy task.

Now with that said....allow me to begin to address the moral concerns of America, its hypocracy, and its evil wrapped gently underneath its shallow beauty.

It began with me expressing my sympathetic point of view and relaying a story of the experience of a certain Asian friend who we'll call 'Joe'.

Joe works at a restaurant as a waiter and told me that 2 old people of Caucasian descent requested to speak to his manager and asked that he not "serve them" because "his people are murderers." For one my friend is not South Korean or anywhere near the country. He is a Pacific Islander from the Philipinnes. He is a young Filipino man. He had no idea what was going on. This shocked me. I hadn't even thought this racism occured. It didn't hit me even once that even ignorant people would make this generalization.

2 nights ago when logging into one of my blogs on the main page were featured bloggers. Most of them were Asians expressing their concerns and frustration over the V-tech tragedy, their shame and disgust, and the unfair treatment they were receiving from whites. Many empathized. Some made excuses "he broke up with his girlfriend", "asian families put more academic pressure on their kids than other families so he cracked", etc.

One particular blog was stating the previous fact and that he hoped that people would not discriminate and that the shooter would not be a Vietnamese man (I'm assuming he was a such decent). I warned him, "Dude is from South Korea I heard. so not a viet. still sucks though. you know americans will discriminate on all asians. its already starting...."

He replied that he believed they were isolated incidents that would have no real devastating impact. I replied "They may be isolated but the damage has made its declaration. Ignorance will persist no matter how much change occurs to blur the lines of race over the years. Blacks, Muslims in 9-11, now Asians in the VT massacre. Every time it's a minority. The media does not portray this as a single issue. It becomes a "Them vs. Us" issue and "Us" being whites. People feed into this frenzy. Not everyone but most. I know people are saying all races have racist people but the levels of psychological, emotional, and physical damage are no where near as significant against minorities when the vicitims are caucasians. In general, it's wrong but one crazy person when a minority will easily be labeled the mentality of that whole race. It is something to always be aware of. Whether people choose to open their eyes to these facts is their choice and I admit its a hard pill to swallow. But what else is to be done if we all choose to be so close-minded?"

When whites are the victims and the cause of the crisis it is a tragedy.

When a minority causes whites to become the victim, it is a nightmare, a monstrosity, a disgrace to the whole race. It comes so easily, it's scary.<>
On another post another Asian girl had posted her disappointment in the media, racism between Asians and other Asians, and also responses of outrage towards the Asian American Journalist Association or the AJAA.
Koreans are apparently labeled the "Niggers of Asia" and are looked down upon by even other Asian cultures. A mentality even believed to be followed by the AJAA itself (also see link above). Below were comments posted. One in particular caused my anger to reach the brink of its tolerance.
"You are ALL being ignorant.and SELFISH.It's about the Victims of the tragedyNOT YOU.Quit saying how hurt you are.and how wrong our media isif it's so WRONG and RACIST then fucking leave."


This was not the only comment like this however it was the straw that broke my camel's back. I snapped, really in response to the comment above:

"i love asians and everything asian. it is a tragedy that this racism is going on. being black it is no different. i thought the same thing about columbine. no one went around asking caucasians if they were going to murder them. of course the same thing happened with Arabs and 9-11. every time there's a tragedy and a minority behind it americans or should i say white americans get stupid. this isn't to say all of them but it seems a majority of them do. my friend who is Filipino was waiting on 2 people at his job and they spoke to his manager and said they didn't want him serving them because "those people are crazy. they're murderers." it's outrageous. no racial group of any kind should go through this. blacks, arabs, and now asians. pretty soon every minority will be out to get the 'white race'. it's sad...." This might have seemed offensive but the violence and hate that has burgeoned in such tragedies are the ugly truth. And the media plays its hand viciously, manipulating the majority swaying them into a glass bowl of ignorance in which everything seems clear and open until one of the few realizes their freedom has been breached by thorough brain-washing. Someone addressed this in another blog and asked why whites were not singled out in such a case. "Because then the media would be isolating themselves, its own kind, if it were to portray whites in a bad light. They would lose ratings. It would effect them tremendously." Having thought about it I realized it was true. Imagine a white reporter spewing hatred for himself and his own race. It would be uncanny, strange, and controversial.


A young blonde girl posted in response to my angry comment:

"I was on that page featured by ***** and you said someone told your Philipino friend's manager they didn't want him to wait on them. I worked at a restaurant for 2 years and if anyone says that the manager is supposed to ask them to leave. When I worked at a restaurant my manager said that if anyone said anything racist to us he would ask them to leave becuase, not only is that company policy but if someone is going to behave like that he doesn't want their business. Racism of any kind is ignorant. I'm a white, blonde girl and when you said white people get ignorant when tragedies like this happen at the hand of a non-caucasian I was slightly offended. It's not that white people get ignorant it's that ignorant racist people choose to show their ignorance. There are racist people of all races. I'm not mad or anything I just think you kind of contradicted yourself."

This seems to be the defense of Caucasians. "Racism happens in all races." There are different types of racism. Some are more damaging than others. My reply to her as well pretty much sums it up from here in terms of my views and my final stand:

"You're right. I shouldn't have made that generalization. Generalizing all whites as racist was not my intention, however, it is the general mentality unfortunately and the media stands behind the majority feeding them subliminal ignorant messages and singling out race when these things are caused by minorities. When the Columbine shootings happened whites were not ridiculed, they were not singled out, their property was not vandalized, and they were not insulted because they are the majority here; on the other hand, there are people like yourself who are very committed to the cause and are open-minded and kind. Unfortunately, your kind is not a majority either much in conjuction with the abolitionists of the early 1900's around the times of slavery. First 9-11 and now this. I guess I was just mad because the asians posting their outrage were being ridiculed like "If you can't handle it leave." and being called "racists" themselves. I was really posting for these people and for encouragement to the asians to vent their concerns. These ignorant comments were left by whites and I wanted them to know that their ignorance was unjustified and ridiculous. Again thanks for your comment and I'm sorry if I offended you. I'll be praying for the victims as well."

Finally, something I viewed from another site, although the speaker turned out to be false (though it would have been interesting if it had been the assumed speaker) the statistics are pretty much true:

President Bush, during a recent speech to a predominantly white audience, voiced his concerns about the state of affairs in American white communities. "The epidemic of whites involved in drunk-driving fatality accidents is deplorable," President Bush said. He cited the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration's 2000 statistics that showed that white male drivers between the ages of 21-34 constituted the largest percentage of drunk (or impaired) drivers in fatal crashes and the Pacific Institute for Research and Evaluation, Prevention Research Center's 1999 findings that of the 91,248 alcohol-related driving fatalities, 65,309 were committed by whites.

President Bush also took aim at the violence perpetrated by whites in school: "White school children killing other school children must stop. The senseless and barbaric school shootings in Pearl, Miss.; Paducah, Ky.; Jonesboro, Ark.; Edinboro, Pa.; Springfield, Ore.; and Littleton, Colo.; serve as chilling reminders of what happens when there is a failure of leadership in the white family." The president referred to his speech as a wake-up call: "We can't hide behind the stereotypical image of the Black and Hispanic violent criminal anymore. Before there was 'gangsta' rap you had Martin Scorsese, Brian DePalma and Francis Ford Coppola winning award after award and Oscar after Oscar for their films filled with whites committing brutal acts of violence. What type of message does that send if we reward movies that depict such brutality? The Godfather, Casino, Goodfellas, Scarface, Kill Bill, Pulp Fiction. These movies have all contributed to a culture of white violence."

"White politicians don't want to discuss these issues, but somebody has to speak up," President Bush said, as he continued his assault on what he called the "white crime epidemic."

"The average serial killer is usually male, between the ages of 25-35, and he is usually white. The majority of the time, he will kill victims of his own race. The ages of his victims will vary greatly, depending on his particular 'interests.' His intellect ranges from below average to above average. He doesn't usually know his victims or have any particular hatred for them personally (though they might be symbolic to him in some way) most of the time... His victims never did anything to hurt him in any way...they are normally strangers to him. He doesn't come from one social class or another; he can come from skid row or Park Avenue. The typical child abductor-murderer is, likewise, usually a white male. They are single and about 27 years old. They are either unemployed or work in unskilled jobs, live alone or with parents; while their victims are typically 11-year-old white females from middle class neighborhoods [Bush was quoting from the Justice Department's Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention report from 1997]."

Bush continued his attack on those he referred to as "social and moral vampires." "Child pornography or kiddie porn is a crime whose perpetrators are overwhelmingly white and whose victims are disproportionately white. This too must stop. Even in our sacred institutions such as our churches, specifically in far too many Roman Catholic churches, our innocent white children are being preyed upon."
"Do you realize that nearly 70 percent of those serving time for violent crimes against children are white," Bush said as he cited the U.S. Department of Justice's 1996 report, What are we doing to ourselves? "Susan Smith, Andrea Yates and Deanna Laney represent a frightening pattern of murder and neglect of white children by white mothers…. And do they take responsibility? No. They either blame it on some phantom black man or say God made them do it."

The president later turned his focus on white youth and drugs, "It's the same story for young adults. Whites are 66 percent of 18- to 25-year-olds and 70 percent of drug users that age. Blacks are 13.5 percent of persons in that age group and only 13 percent of young adult users, while Hispanics are nearly 15 percent of that age group, but yet comprise only 12 percent of drug users 18-25. According to the Justice Department, drug users tend to buy from same-race dealers. So the nearly three-quarters of users who are white, mainly rely on white drug dealers, not the Blacks or Hispanics of accepted imagery. When it comes to drugs like Ecstasy - a hot product in suburban America - the dealers and users have long been known to be mostly white, middle-class males between 14 and 32. American society doesn't want to face the fact that white kids deal and use drugs. They simply can't look in their faces and see that a nice-looking white kid is selling drugs to their kids, because that would mean that their kids could do this too.
"When will it end?" lamented the president

Author's confession:
Dear reader, this article is only an invention. President Bush never delivered a speech such as this. However, the statistics stated in the article are very real and very true.

No leading white politician or religious leader has ever, to my knowledge, come close to expressing the thoughts and views outlined in this composition. If they did, what do you think the response would be? If you don't have an answer it's OK. I realize that it is difficult to come up with an answer to a question that has rarely or never been asked. However, other groups (especially Blacks) have had to deal with similar rhetoric for centuries right here in America and have had to answer the question I just posed to you, time and time again.

Let's think about it, when the tragedy at Columbine occurred there were literally hundreds of news stories asking the question: "Why are our kids becoming so violent." Not why are white kids becoming so violent, but "our" kids. Now let's contrast that with what happens when a black child is killed in a predominantly black community. The headline more often than not has read something like this: "The problem of black-on-black crime" or "Violence amongst black youth." There are two scenarios taking place here: 1. De-emphasizing or minimizing ethnicity. When the crime is perpetrated by white youths color is not the issue; the issue is "our" children and violence. 2. Emphatic emphasizing and alienation when black youth are deemed the culprits. It is no longer "our" kids; it is "black" kids or youth. Can you, will you, see the difference? Our need to examine these inequities is exacerbated by CNN's announcement that they are adding Bill Bennett to their on-air roster. This prolific slap in the face cannot be appeased by Bennett's continued pronouncement, that his words were taken out of context and that he preceded his ominous statement about the abortion of Black babies to lower the crime rate with: "it would be reprehensible." The fact that he went straight for the Black population speaks volumes of his deep-seated prejudices. Why mention Black babies at all? In light of all the statistical evidence presented here, Mr. Bennett's assertion about aborting "every Black baby" would not make a dent in certain crimes. It certainly would not make much of a difference in corporate or white-collar crime, which is still very much white-male dominated and rarely discussed in the on-going dialogue on "crime." Wouldn't the drop in crime be significant if we aborted "white male babies" (if we were to stay with Bill Bennett's rationale for his hypothesis)?

Furthermore, a distinction has to be made between criminal activities and those convicted of a crimes - not everyone who commits a crime is convicted.
I know there are some who may be offended by the assertions that I have made in this piece; this is regrettable and yet I understand. But before you give full sway to your feelings of anger and disgust, answer this: were you this offended when Blacks or Latinos (and other ethnic groups) were being characterized in the same way? Did you challenge the people who made (and those who published) derogatory and inaccurate remarks about other ethnic groups, to tell the whole truth?

It's not easy being made to look like deviants, criminals or malcontents, is it? It is frustrating and dehumanizing when the few are made to represent the many. When the face of evil and all that is thought to be wrong with society bears a resemblance, in ethnicity, to you. This, I understand all too well. If that is how you feel, please remember it; meditate on it. For it is the same feeling that many of your fellow citizens have had to live with on daily basis. In conclusion, let us ponder this: A fictitious speech had to be written to talk about the crimes and indiscretions of white folk; the words and speeches that are used to degrade and debase Black folk is all too real.

Dr. Edward Rhymes is the Director of Race Relations & Advocacy for the YWCA of Greater Pittsburgh. Dr. Rhymes can be reached at erhymes@ywcapgh.org.
Fear breeds ignorance.